Monk's World of Rage

I Need Sleeves, Damnit!

2006-11-04T21:19:00.000Z

Well, summer is definitely, absolutely, see-you-next-year GONE. The big drop in temperature, the leaves falling from the trees in my garden, the horse chestnuts being pinched by the kids next door, trick or treaters last week (and hey, come on, this is Britain, not the USA!) and now November 5th all mean one thing: Autumn. And you know what comes after autumn? Yep, winter.

Today is November 5th, Guy Fawkes’ Night. Now, if you don’t live in the UK, or if you were educated after about 1980, you probably won’t have a clue who Guy Fawkes was. So let me tell you, because he has a bearing on today.

In 1605, Fawkes and his cronies, under the leadership of Robert Catesby, were terrorists. Oh yes. Today, they would be slammed in jail quicker than you can say Gitmo. These guys were hardcore terrorists. Their aim? To blow up the King and the Houses of Parliament, taking as many politicians as they could. Why? Well, basically because King James 1st was making life difficult for catholics, and Catesby and Fawkes were catholic. Fawkes was caught in the cellars of the House of Commons, surrounded by 36 barrels of gunpowder after some of his co-conspirators decided that they couldn’t take part in something that would result in massive loss of innocent life.

And today we celebrate his capture (although apparently not his torture and execution) by having huge fires in our back yards and setting off fireworks. Hmm. Seems a bit funky to me! But it strikes me as interesting that we should celebrate the life of a terrorist, a man who tried to destroy our government!

But that would explain why every pet in my house is currently hiding under a couch or bed, as bangs, crashes and wooshes go off outside.

And with autumn comes the properly cold weather. So cold, that on Friday when I went to fire the bike up to ride home, I had to chip ice off the seat and let the engine warm up for a while first. I am not a happy bunny. I may well be from Scotland, but I moved down here for a warmer climate. And now I have to have the heating on and banish all of my t-shirts to the cupboard in favour of things with sleeves. Don’t you just wish you could hibernate until, oh, I dunno, April?

Privacy? Forget it!

2006-11-02T13:55:00.000Z

News today that Britain is the “most surveilled country” in the industrial West comes from UK government’s information commissioner. What a huge surprise, I think to myself as I walk through London, waving at the CCTV cameras that are virtually everywhere.

Last year, a documentary on civil liberties compared Tokyo, London and New York for surveillance cameras. London won by a country mile. And still the terrorists managed to strike on the London Underground. Makes your chest swell with pride at our home-grown nutters’ ingenuity, doesn’t it?!

According to a report co-written by Dr David Murakami-Wood, the UK has more CCTV cameras than anywhere else in the West, and looser laws on privacy and data protection. It’s reckoned that there are up to 4.2 million surveillance cameras in the UK, which works out at one camera for every 14 people. Not only that, researchers have also highlighted a rise in ‘dataveillance’, which sees UK citizens tracked through their mobile phones, credit cards, store loyalty cards and CCTV. I posted some time ago about London Underground’s “Oyster Card” scheme (an electronic ticket) and the fact that the police were using the data stored on it to track movement. This is merely another extension of the fact.

Of course, there’s always the old argument rolled out by governments: but if you’ve got nothing to hide, why worry? Well, that works fine and dandy in a society where you can trust your government, but does anyone really trust their own government these days? In the USA, thanks to the Patriot Act, the Feds can sneak into your home and search it without even having to tell you about it. The first you’d know is when you’re in court. And with so much computer hacking and fraud going on, gaining access to your home PC and sending what you want from it is a piece of cake. So do I trust that information about what I buy, who I call or where I go could not be either misinterpreted or used maliciously against me?

How dumb do you think I am?

After all, this is the country where our former Home Secretary, David Blunkett, told the man in charge of our prisons to call in the army and machine gun rioting prisoners! MACHINE GUN them?! Just amazing.

I bet George Orwell hasn’t stopped laughing in his grave for the last five years or so.

The Sky is Crying

2006-10-30T17:05:00.000Z

I doubt Stevie Ray Vaughan had our current woes in mind when he penned that one.

A climate change report was released today in the UK by Sir Nicholas Stern. Former chief economist at the World Bank (no, they wouldn’t give me a loan when I applied), Sir Nicholas is widely regarded as a man who knows his stuff. His report lays out just what financial and economic sacrifices we will have to face in order to turn climate change around. And it doesn’t pull any punches. At the core of his report is the conclusion that spending huge amounts of money now in order to reduce carbon emissions will pay off on a massive scale, so to not spend that massive amount of cash now would be crazy.

Naturally, in an attempt to restore his almost invisible popularity, Mr Blair and the government have embraced the report. One of Blair’s top men, David Milliband, has already suggested a wide range of ‘Green Taxes’, aimed at reducing things like air travel and car use in an attempt to make Britain ‘greener’, and the general concensus from political pundits today was that the public are going to face more taxes and higher prices.

A couple of things, then. It’s widely agreed that our worst polluters are our fossil fuel power stations. Any sign of their being replaced quickly by clean fuel sources? Of course not. Public car use. I live in a two car household. I used to drive a highly economical diesel car, but the government insist on slapping tax on things like that, so any financial savings were pretty minimal. What about LPG or bio-diesel? Again, taxed at the fuel pump by the government. They’re not exactly encouraging us to switch power sources, are they?

Electric cars? Oh, please! Where do you think your power comes from? If you live in a major, metropolitan area then okay, I think they can be hugely practical. But until the range is improved beyond 150 miles per charge, or until top speed can rival a petrol car, they are simply not a practical option for the rest of the populace.

The only truly clean car is the hydrogen fuel cell car, and we are a long way from seeing those on our roads. The notion that driving a hybrid like a Toyota Prius was deconstructed nicely by one of the major TV shows over here. They analysed just how environmentally sound those cars were, from their creation to their ultimate disposal as well as useage. They didn’t fare that well compared to normal, petrol-powered cars.

And just what will these new, green taxes be spent on? Do we have any guarantee whatsoever that they will go entirely to funding green policies? Will we have whole, new forests planted throughout the land? Will the money go towards grants which allow home owners like me to install solar panels (a dumb idea in the UK anyway, given our lack of sunshine), or a mini wind turbine on my roof? Of course they won’t. Today, I watched a green activist interviewed. The Euro average carbon footprint per person is 9 tonnes. He has reduced his to 1.5 tonnes per year. Good man. He rides his bicycle to work, doesn’t own a car and has done his house up with solar panels. His grant from the government? £400. Yes, about 700 dollars to entice him to go green. I’m pulling my shoes on right now, so I can rush to the nearest application form…

I have no faith whatsoever in my government using any money raised by green taxes for green advances. Not at all.

While I’m on the subject of global warming (and the scientists are still arguing about it, make no mistake), so far I’ve only seen one person talk about global dimming. This phenomena goes hand in hand with CO2 emissions. What global dimming does, however, is protect us from the worst of the suns rays. As we reduce global warming, so we decrease global dimming, which means the sun gets brighter and we are all exposed to more harmful radiation. Okay, so in the UK this might mean better weather, but in Australia, Africa and many other places, it could have an even bigger impact than global warming. It’s a subject worth reading up about.

Bottom line, of course, is that we in the First World are going to pay through the wallet for our industrial sins. The hard part will be in convincing countries like China (who bring a new, coal-fired power station online every week!) to join us. And then we can tackle India and Africa, who want the wealth they see on TV regardless of the environmental impact.

Is it any surprise that George W. wants no part of the Kyoto Agreement?

Iraq War Fuelling Terrorism Shocker!

2006-10-29T23:16:00.000Z

Yes, yet another report has come out which tells us what we already knew: the war in Iraq has fuelled domestic terrorism and ignited hatred against the UK and USA in Muslim countries around the world.

Well, when I say “what we already knew”, I do, of course mean: what we knew, but our leaders refuse to acknowledge. Because let’s face it, Tony B. Liar and George W. are never going to come out and admit that a) they may have been wrong or b) the invasion of Iraq was a stupid thing to do. Because it clearly was, and unless your news media diet consists entirely of Fox News, you’d agree with that. All the war has managed to do is remove a dictator (whom we in the West installed and armed). A dictator who was able to keep his own Sunni Muslims and the Shi’ite Muslims at peace by killing large numbers of both groups, as well as the Kurds.

And still my petrol and heating oil costs too much. Go figure. Maybe I should have bought shares in Halliburton.

What we now have is an unreported civil war with allied casualties. Even in Basra, where the British had a good relationship with the local population, things have gone down the crapper.

But I digress. I could tell you about my friend’s work in Afghanistan, training up Special Forces guys and working with former Mujahadeen fighters. But then I’d have to kill you. Put it this way: if you saw footage of clean-shaven British soldiers fighting the Taleban, forget it. My pal had a beard down to his collar while he was over there, and he and his friends were hit hard, lost a lot of men and repaid that compliment in spades with the Taleban. So trust me when I say I know a little about this.

So to the report. According to the Sunday Times (as reported here), it was leaked by Cabinet officials in the British government. Naturally, this has been denied and everyone is toeing the party line. Which is: there is no trouble. Terrorism doesn’t exist. Go to sleep, it’s going to be all right.

Tell that to the relatives of the bombings in London last July. Anyone who honestly believes that our little adventure in the Middle East hasn’t sowed the seeds of terrorism against our countries wants immediate brain surgery. Either that, or they’ve already had a lobotomy.

Hmm. Did I suggest in a previous post that I was no longer getting angry about things? I may have been premature. I believe there are tablets I can take for that sort of thing.

The Common Cold. The Most Pointless Virus Ever

2006-10-29T22:30:00.000Z

Look, I understand viruses. I realise they have a point. After all, without viruses, it’s unlikely that man would have progressed this far. Without bacteria, we wouldn’t exist.

But the common cold still defies logic as far as I’m concerned. Not only can’t ‘they’ cure it (they being those boffins we all hear about who no doubt get paid by Big Drug to keep cures under wraps, hey, this is my conspiracy, so get your own), none of the remedies on sale actually do any f*cking good at all. “Oh, take paracetamol, that’ll help.” Yeah, it’ll help mask the symptoms for about two hours until snot pours out of your nose and your eyes water…

And while I’m ranting, just what is that about? Why snot? WHY? Stupid damned virus. Why make my eyes run? Why deprive my body of any moisture whatsoever while simultaneously making my throat sore? There’s nothing left in there for me to swallow, for God’s sake! I could take a throat tablet, but that would be playing right into the hands of Big Drug. Hey, wait a minute… is my cold in league with Big Drug? Is it really a virus, or am I being attacked by highly trained nanobots, programmed by Big Drug? Hmm. I could be on to something here. I need to spend some time with my thinking cap (a tin foil hat I made earlier) on. I’ll get back to you when the fever breaks…

Love those whacky Germans

2006-10-29T15:50:00.000Z

Apparently, German opera lovers will get the chance to see a Mozart opera which features the decapitated head of Muhammad after. Despite being told by police in September that staging the opera had ‘incalculable’ risks, Deutsche Opera have now been given the green light to go ahead with the planned performance. The full story is here.

Seems the sequence featuring the lopped off heads of Jesus, Bhudda, Muhammad and Poseidon was ‘added’ by the opera’s director, Hans Neuenfels, as a protest against organised religion. Well, I’m sure he knows better than Mozart, doesn’t he?

This is all part of a bigger discussion currently going on in Germany over free speech, and even the German chancellor, Angela Merkel, has come out against self-censorship out of fear. This all stems from those whacky Danish cartoons of Muhammad a few months ago.

I’m very anti-censorship, but I’m extremely pro common sense and sensitivity.

As we saw during the cartoon debacle, the main problem with non-Muslims doing anything featuring Muhammad isn’t that Muslims in their own countries get upset. No, it’s the countless other Muslims around the world who don’t hear the full story or see the images for themselves, but are nevertheless whipped up into a frenzy by fundamentalists eager to push their own agenda. Not only was the Danish embassy attacked in various Middle East countries, angry Muslims also attacked any building that had a flag even remotely resembling Denmark’s!

Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of this. If you were planning a trip to Germany in the near future, I’d postpone it!

Today’s the day

2006-10-29T13:00:00.000Z

In about eight minutes, the most important motorcycle GP of the last decade kicks off. Can Italy’s Valentino Rossi win the title again, or will Kentucky boy, Nicky Hayden, beat him to the punch?

My money’s on Vale. That guy can ride a bike like no-one else. To take an uncompetitive Yamaha and consistently win races takes more than just a good rider. It takes a great one. I can't wait! The last race of the year, and two men separated by just eight points. Forget Formula 1, where insanely expensive cars overtake one another in the pits and not on the track. These guys defy the laws of physics week in, week out. And the racing is closer than anything you can imagine. Let’s get on with the show!

LATER THAT SAME DAY...

Waaaaaah! Maybe it’s a good thing that Blogger refused to let me post this. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at all.

Whatever higher power was guiding Blogger, it also guided Valentino Rossi into the dirt and saw him fall off his bike, re-mount and bring it home way behind the leading pack. Nicky Hayden, the Kentucky Kid, came home in third, winning the World Championship for 2006. Good news for the USA, inasmuch as MotoGP will now have a slightly higher profile there, since Nicky’s the first US champ since Kenny Roberts Jnr back in, um, 2000 I think it was. But bad news for racing fans. Nicky only managed to win two races all year, and that’s not the mark of a champion in my book.

You want to see a real champ? Then take a look at Australian racer, Troy Bayliss. Troy won the World Superbike Championship a couple of weeks ago on a factory Ducati. When Ducati MotoGP rider, Sete Gibernau, injured himself last week, the company gave the bike to Troy. Bayliss rode for them for a couple of seasons with some success; a few podiums but no wins. Now in what some would call the twilight of his racing career, Troy Bayliss led today’s race from start to finish, becoming the first man ever to win a WSB title and then win a MotoGP race. And what I really like about him is his spirit. The guy never, ever gives up. Even when he’d secured the WSB title, he was still battling for the front spot in the final races of the season. And that’s what a champion is in my book: someone who never, ever quits.

Still, Nicky Hayden won the most points in 2006, so he’s the champion. Valentino Rossi has won the title five times in a row, the last two times on a bike the whole paddock agrees is uncompetitive. I don’t think the trophy will grace the Hayden mantlepiece for more than 12 months, somehow.

Oh, the Glamour of the Location Shoot!

2006-10-28T23:07:00.000+01:00

Last week, I travelled to Portugal for a week-long location shoot. I was in the company of a video director and his assistant (who was as much use as a chocolate fireguard), my favourite photographer, a make-up artist (and man, was she a pain in the ass) and six models.

A recipe for disaster in anyone’s book, I’ll grant you. But we’ve done this before. Used to do it twice a year, but this was our first trip out in 2006, and we were all looking forward to a chance to work in the sun and maybe a bit of relaxation. Usually, the weather favours us; we tend to get temperatures in the mid to low 20s (Americans, you’ll have to do the conversions yourselves, but it’s basically t-shirt and sun lotion weather). This time, the Big Guy decided to dump on us. In a whole week, we had maybe one and a half days of sunshine, total. We had two days of absolutely torrential rain, and I mean torrential. It was so bad, the drains were overflowing in the streets. I’ve never seen anything quite like it before.

Of course, it all meant that work was a bit hit and miss. We had a couple of days where both of the guys could shoot outdoors, but then we all had to retreat back into the villa and try to work inside. Not ideal at all. You don’t travel all that way to shoot pictures inside someone’s house. Particularly not when the house has been furnished to a budget by Portuguese owners who generally try to appeal to German tourists… no, not ideal at all.

Still, it all got done without too much drama. Except a make-up artist who felt it was okay for her to disappear in a foreign country until 2am. An assistant who allegedly robbed one of the other girls (don’t worry, I got the cash back – it helps that I look like Vic Mackey). Oh, and it could have been so much worse. We had a visit from a friend of mine, an adult producer who recently moved to Spain.

He is now the chief witness in an attempted murder. Long story, but basically he was asked to host an event and one of the guests stabbed another visitor in the head. In the head!

So it could’ve been much, much worse!

All I came back with was a streaming cold. I think I was lucky.

What have I been up to?

2006-10-28T21:54:00.000+01:00

Well, when was my last proper post? Sometime in May? Hmm. Okay.

Clearly, I didn’t go on and on about how much fun I had at the end of last year when I visited Japan with Mrs Monk, for example, or my few days in Sydney after that? Well I won’t bore you now. Suffice it to say that Japan rocked like a zoo-bound chimp.

Work has been… busy. I finally got my long-awaited promotion, and am now master of all I survey. And a bit more over the horizon. Essentially, I’m now in overall charge of the magazines my company produces, with the lofty title of Publishing Director attached to my name. Yes, it still makes me laugh, too. Next stop is the board of directors, proper, which will really make me laugh. And I still won’t have to wear a suit.

And lately, I’ve been spending some time on MySpace, where I now have my own page. If you want to know more, email me and I’ll send you the link. Maybe…

And now I have to watch the rest of final qualifying for the last round of MotoGP tomorrow. If Valentino Rossi doesn’t win the championship tomorrow, I’ll be stunned.

So where have I been?

2006-10-28T21:46:00.000+01:00

Well, for starters, after an apparent epiphany where I suddenly remembered my user name and log in (hence the recent posting), a sudden head cold meant that I immediately forgot it all.

I’ve just spent 15 frustrating minutes trying to get back in to the account. And naturally my own stupidity mean it took longer than it should have.

Anyway, where have I been? Well, mooching around, really.

So much crap has happened this year in the world that I was in danger of having a huge heart attack if I kept writing about it. So I stopped. I stopped reading newspapers and I stopped paying attention. I gave up. And you know what? It’s much better this way! I seem to be happier in oblivion than I ever was when I was aware! But I missed my blogging buddies like Fez and co. Nice to see he occasionally checked back.

The rumours of my becoming a zombie were greatly exaggerated…

Don't panic, I'm not dead!

2006-10-08T21:10:00.000+01:00

I've just been too damned angry to type for the last few months. Also, I got promoted, so more work = less time.

Still, I will have one of the fanciest coffins in the graveyard…

Spontaneous Priapism

2006-05-10T22:36:00.000+01:00

It’s no laughing matter, I can tell you. Of course, I knew it would happen. I had ample warning. Just checking the calendar gave me all the information I needed. It was May 9th. The second day of the Electronic Entertainment Expo 2006. Or E3, if you will. That meant that somewhere in a convention hall in Los Angeles, the world’s richest geek was making his keynote speech. And, much as I hate him and his crappy operating software, I have to admit, his games’ system rocks.

The man? Bill Gates. The cause of my sudden, unwanted erection? The trailer for Halo 3.

Okay, so I’m an old timer. But I have impeccable gaming credentials. From an early start with the Atari VCS system (those games look, um, yeah… nowadays), the Atari 800 computer, the Sega MegaDrive (that’s Genesis to you) and onwards. I wrote reviews and walk-through guides for the UK’s leading two Sega magazines (under different names, thus getting paid by both mags!), and I ended up as a correspondent on Electronic Gaming Monthly in the US before it changed publishers. I’ve always loved video games. They’re my friends. They don’t judge me the way people do, I… oh. Sorry…

Despite no longer working in the games biz anymore, when Microsoft offered me a free Xbox when they came out (as opposed to Sony, who made me buy a PlayStation and PlayStation 2, the swines), I was “so there, dude”. And when they then managed to give me an Xbox 360 the week they came out, I was also really quite literally there, dude.

I’ve been fortunate over the years to get invites to some good launches. Or was that lunches? But nothing compared to the shiver I got when I played Halo 2 a couple of months before it was released. Or so I thought.

Finally, after a couple of hours trying, I managed to download the Halo 3 promo film from Xbox Live last night. It took a long time, because it kept dropping out. I suspect that one or two people may also have been downloading it.

Okay, so it was 1am by the time it finished downloading. And yes, I was slightly under the influence of herbal cigarettes (cue blog readers suddenly putting two and two together at this admission… along with several mental health practitioners), but that only added to the moment. The hair on the back of my neck actually stood up as I played the trailer. Mind you, it’s just about the only place where I have hair long enough to stand up.

Talk about theatrical. I remember the day when Sony admitted they had spent £1million on their stand at a trade show. We went nuts. It was crazy. Now, I hate to think how much money Bungie have spent on just that Halo 3 trailer. But man, it rocks like a zoo-bound chimp. Sony? Hell, I’ll probably buy a PS3 when they come out, but it would be a brave man who reckoned against Halo 3.

The Trouble with Young People

2006-05-10T18:01:00.000+01:00

This was another TV gem. Journalist, sorry, tabloid hack, Carole Malone, posed the question to a number of families and kids in this horror of televisual entertainment. She met up with a number of people who really should consider taking the easy way out and hey, just killing themselves now. It would save me going on at least one of my planned, murderous rampages.

Although specializing in the bloody obvious, Malone’s TV show did at least reinforce certain things I hold to be absolutely true. Namely that a massive number of parents out there have no idea whatsoever.

We met up with two boys who are in constant trouble at school. They told Malone that they had no respect for their teachers, didn’t think they should be treated “like robots” and that these were the reasons they acted up so much and got into so much trouble. Malone then met up with their mother, whose views on school were identical to her kids. Our hostess tried to point out to the mum that it was her views which were colouring the kids’ attitudes, but to no avail. She didn’t see why teachers should automatically be treated with respect, presumably that attitude went further to encompass anyone in a position of authority.

Next up was a spoilt little brat called Shane. His problem was that he was diabetic. This, we were told, had led his parents to cave in to any demand he made. And seriously, if you’d seen this kid, you would have smacked him in the chops. His mother spent a fortune buying backing tracks and music because little Shane wanted to be a singer. Shane, I’d guess he was around 16, was one of the most ungrateful little snots I’ve seen in years. Tearing open a box of CDs, he discarded them all, telling his mum she had bought the wrong stuff. No sign of a “thanks, but it’s not quite what I was looking for, mum”. Nope. Just total disregard for anyone’s feelings but his own. We then see him in the recording studio, where he’s performing in front of a major talent agent and his signing coach. He ignores his coach’s advice on how to hit certain notes in the song, telling her that he’s never sung it that way before. She says he always does it that way. His parents agree with her. He says that he doesn’t want to compromise. Talent agent leaves, telling child not to be such a prima donna. Mum blames herself for his behaviour, arguing that if only she’d thought about it harder, she would have made him lunch and things would’ve been much easier. Okay, then.

Our next gem was a car thief and habitual scrote. His future was bleak. He was aged 20, but sat there telling Malone he didn’t see any way out of the life he was in. We met his parents. They were well-adjusted, normal people. They admitted not being firm enough with their kid when he first started playing up. His brothers and sisters were kept on a much tighter leash. Had they been too soft with him, they were asked. Yes, they said, but hey, there’s no handbook for raising kids, is there?

Do you know how often I hear this? Well, people, you need a licence to keep a dog in my country, but not to spew a family full of cannon fodder into the welfare system. Is there a guidebook on raising kids? Well, Dr. Spock seemed quite popular when I was a baby, although he’s out of favour now, probably thanks to all of those left wing social workers. You know the ones? They’re the ones who are responsible for things like the death of Victoria Climbie and God knows how many other children at risk who end up dead because someone doesn’t do their job properly.

Hmm. My moral high horse has slipped a shoe…

That’s better. My point is that there is a guide book to raising kids. Think back. Did you have parents? Were they good to you? If you answer ‘Yes’, then replicate their methods. If you answer ‘No’, then do the exact sodding opposite. I had a weird childhood. My dad was out banging different women most of the time. I thought that having your father come home, eat his dinner and then go out again all night was normal. I’m told that this is not the case. However, even with a screwed up childhood like that, I turned out reasonably okay. I had a good mum. She was always there for us. If we played up, we got smacked on the backside. So far, I have yet to be convicted of any murders as a result. Although obviously it’s only a matter of time before they catch up with me…

We live in a world where there is no respect for authority. I put this completely down to the break-up of the family and lack of discipline at home and in schools. When I was a kid, we were scared of our teachers; in awe of some of them. But that fear was there for a reason: if we fucked about, we could expect physical punishment. Oh, sure, it didn’t stop the serious trouble-makers from creating; they knew that being given the belt (a leather strap which was smacked down onto your open palms) was an occupational hazard. But the rest of us toed the line, by and large.

We were respectful of our local policeman for the same reasons. If he caught us stealing apples, messing about with fireworks, you name it, we’d get a cuff round the ear and he would take us home and tell our folks all about it.

Yes, we got away with a lot, but we also did our best not to get into so much trouble that we wouldn’t be able to sit down again for a month.

But this whole idea of treating kids like adults is just so much bullshit. It’s like trying to negotiate with terrorists. Kids today know exactly how powerless adults are in most discipline situations. They threaten legal action against their parents and teachers. It’s insane. Our senior citizens are scared to walk the streets at night. They have to stand on trains and buses because snot-nosed kids haven’t got the respect to stand and offer their own seats. It’s just staggering.

The world won’t change for the better until someone, somewhere has the moral fibre to stand up and say, “Actually, I think being slapped down now and again helps a child understand boundaries and limits. In fact, I suggest we use light physical discipline on our children from now on.”

I’m not saying that all children who are ‘negotiated’ with turn out badly. Just an awful lot of them. I lived next door to a girl who wasn’t allowed to watch violent TV shows when we were kids. Her folks kept her wrapped in cotton wool. By 14, she was pregnant and had been smoking weed for three years before that. My parents couldn’t work out where I was getting such good shit from… last I heard, she’d moved on to bigger and better drugs. Maybe a slap could have saved her, I don’t know, but it would have been worth a try.

Kids, You Just Can’t Beat Them, Can You?

2006-05-10T17:51:00.000+01:00

Pity, though. I’ll be honest with you. I’m not a big fan of children. Oh, I don’t particularly blame them, it’s more down to crap parenting. With this in mind, let me introduce Dr. Tayna Byron. She’s the host of a show on BBC satellite called The House of Tiny Tearaways and, each week, she helps families deal with their troublesome tots.

This week, we were introduced to a couple who have allowed their daughter to sleep in their bed for the first three years of her life. Daddy bonded big time, but mummy wasn’t getting any of those “special hugs”, and emotionally, they were falling apart. He, of course, didn’t have time for emotions. He was pragmatic. She was emotional. Whatever.

So Dr. Tanya advised them on the best methods of dealing with their little bundle of puke, crap and attitude in a similar style to that Supernanny bird on the rival channel. First job, then, was breaking the cycle of having their baby in bed each night.

How many times do you think they had to get up and put their child back in its own bed? Go on, have a guess…

Wrong.

How does 308 times in one night grab you? Oh yes, they counted and they were filmed. Three hundred and eight. It doesn’t get any better when you write it as text rather than numerals, does it? As a non-parent, I have to question the way kids are currently being raised, and will do in another posting within the next 10 minutes, since another TV show hacked me off this week.

Where is the logic in trying to negotiate with a 3-year-old child? At that stage, their basically a bag of vomit waiting to be told what to do, whilst simultaneously pushing your buttons and their boundaries of behaviour. Call me psychotic (and you’d be in the company of many mental health professionals), but wouldn’t a short, sharp slap on a child’s clothed backside be a better deterrent? I know it worked for me and hundreds of thousands of other people my age, and that by and large, we ended up reasonably sane and normal.

But putting your child to bed 308 times in a night? Now that’s crazy.

It's a Family Affair

2006-05-06T13:06:00.000+01:00

Anyone who figured that addiction wasn’t genetic will be re-examining their standpoint today, as the BBC tells us that Congressman Patrick Kennedy, son of Teddy, is checking himself into rehab. The news follows a car crash in DC which involved Kennedy. In a grim nod to history, Patrick Kennedy reported that he had no memory of the crash.

Sound familiar?

So Paddy’s off to a Minnesota rehab clinic. Again. He was there at Christmas, although there was no confirmation that his stay was because the roast turkey platter was ‘to die for’. The BBC report that Kennedy is fighting an addiction to prescription drugs. And here’s where America clearly has a head start on the UK. You guys must get the best prescription drugs. We don’t have half of the pain killers you seem to have available. Indeed, my last trip to the doctor saw him prescribe “a stiff upper lip” for a muscle strain I had. Other than that, I doubt I could ever become addicted to loperamide, for instace, or Maalox. Although that minty one is pretty good in a chalky, allum sort of way.

Of course, Mr Kennedy could simply be being ‘economic with the actualité’, as British politician, Allan Clarke, famously once described the act of not being entirely honest. By telling anyone who would care to listen that you don’t remember doing A, B or C, and then checking yourself in for treatment for addiction (rather than amnesia), you are likely to get onto the good side of the courts and mitigate any sentencing. God, I’m so cynical. I apologise.

One thing worth noting, however, is Congressman Kennedy’s outstanding hair. Another family trait. As someone who shaves his head (not for religious or political reasons), I can only sit here and admire a thatch of thick, lustrous brown hair that reminds me of nothing less than the Tribble episode of the original Star Trek, and that famous moment where Captain Kirk ends up with one on his head. My advice? If you see Paddy Kennedy’s hair move, call the police. Or NASA.

Sucks to be a Commuter

2006-05-05T21:21:00.000+01:00

I hate to whine and moan (hahahaha!), but sometimes, commuting sucks the big one. In fact, if it’s even possible, sometimes it sucks and blows simultaneously. There are a few reasons for this, and I’ll try and tackle them in the order in which they enrage me. So bear with me and watch out for flying spittle.

My daily journey into work entails travelling with ‘One’ Railways. Presumably, they’re called ‘One’ because that seems to be the number of trains they have. Despite a lick of paint since the franchise changed hands from its previous owners, Anglia, the service is still pretty woeful. But to be fair, a lot of that is down to our crumbling rail network and the fact that people seem to choose my line to commit suicide on. We’ve had two suicides in the last fortnight, and the reaction of my fellow travellers never ceases to amaze: they really do make tutting noises and look at their watches before calling their spouses to complain about someone holding them up by killing themselves. Me? I take it in my stride, knowing that somewhere nearby, a family are going through absolute trauma. But then I’ve become a lot more human in the last few years.

Each day, I try to get a seat in coach B. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the “Quiet Coach”. No mobile phone conversations, no GameBoys or PSPs allowed and generally, no iPods either. In the last month, I’ve gone into double figures asking my fellow passengers to not use their phones etc., even though signs are prominently displayed. I find it very hard to enjoy a good read when some suited wanker is bellowing into his cell phone about the latest office nonsense or just how great they are at their jobs compared to the other schmoes they work with. If that was true, they’d be on a golf course, not going to work…

And then there’s London Underground. Yes, the weather has been very warm this week, and London’s Central Line has been rammed with passengers. I waited for three Tube trains yesterday before I could even get on. And when I did, I still ended up sharing my personal space (reckoned by scientists to be 13 inches) with some big, fat, sweaty armpit.

People. If you travel on public transport anywhere in the world, do the rest of the population a favour and wear deodorant. Please. And if you travel in a Quiet Coach and insist on using your phone, keep an eye out for an angry man with a shaven head. He’ll be the one bitch-slapping you, because he’s had enough!

When She's 64…

2006-05-04T22:20:00.000+01:00

Yes, it’s Beatles time. The news today that a 63-year-old woman is expecting a child, courtesy of IVF, has divided opinion in the UK. Some of us just don’t give a rat’s ass, while others feel more ambiguous, finally siding on the rat’s ass end of the opinion polls.

So a psychiatrist is having a child at the age of 63. Well, it’ll certainly give her an interesting case study as she shrinks herself. Patricia Rashbrook of East Sussex, already has three other children, and is reckoned to be the UK’s oldest mum. Rubbish. My mum’s older than her, and her mum was even older than that when she died. Where do the BBC get their facts and figures from? Am I really paying over £100 a year for this sort of research? Don’t they have Google? I also note, with some interest, that Ms. Rashbrook’s husband’s name is John Farrant. Clearly, there’s some sort of conspiracy going on here: they don’t even have the same names! Is this some ill-conceived attempt by Tony Blair to divert attention from his crappy government by inventing spurious stories of elderly women’s womb issues?

I think we should be told. In the meantime, the pic is of the happy couple. Good luck to them. I bet Ms Rashbrook’s kids can’t wait for their turn to babysit a sibling eleventeen years their junior!

Personally, I’m all in favour of old people having more children. After all, the state pensions in the UK are pathetic, so maybe if elderly types can pick up a bit of child benefit from the government as well, it’ll top up their incomes nicely.

Is it litter if it’s bio-degradable?

2006-05-03T21:13:00.000+01:00

This is something I’ve wondered about a few times. Let’s face it, the UK is a dirty place. People have no respect for their surroundings anymore. I could wax lyrical about the reasons for this (breakdown of the family unit, no father to mete out justice with a big man hand across the backside, lack of corporal punishment in schools), but I won’t.

I don’t litter. No, scratch that. I do litter. I drop cigarette butts now and then if there’s no obvious ashtray (and there aren’t many in London’s streets). I know how long they take to degrade. It’s a very, very long time indeed. I am not proud of this, but it’s the only litter I drop. I don’t empty out the rubbish from my car into the street, I don’t dump crap out of my car window as I drive along. I was with a friend last year who flung the wrapper from his packet of cigarettes out of his car window, and my jaw hit the floor. I live in the countryside, and get sick every time I see a McDonald’s bag in a lay-by or a grass verge. I know who does it. Kids, that’s who. Yes, kids. Young people in the cars their parents bought them, out to blast around country roads and impress their skanky girlfriends. Everyone says children are the future. I say they must be stopped. Now.

But I digress.

Today I read the story of Hilary Buckland, of Luton, Bedfordshire, who was fined £75 for littering. Her crime? She threw a Cheesy Wotsit out of her car window when one of her kids dropped it in her lap. A Cheesy Wotsit, to the uninitiated, is a potato snack. Pretty biodegradable, I’d have said. But not according to Luton Borough Council, who initiated the fine after one of their ‘officials’ saw her throw it out of her window and thought it was a cigarette end.

Yet another case of mistaken identity. Naturally, had Mrs Buckland been eating a foreign potato-based snack food, it would have been picked up off the street, re-housed and given lots of government money. (That paragraph has more to do with the ease with which members of other EU countries can come and set up home here in the UK than anything else. Hell, I would love to live in Portugal or Spain and claim money from their governments. But has anyone ever tried to do that?!)

Sadly, the fate of the snack is not recorded in the news item. We can only hope that sparrows destroyed the evidence.

So basically, even if your litter is almost instantaneously biodegradable, it’s still litter and should be taken home with you. Even if it’s your favourite Uncle’s ashes, presumably.

Britain: Proud to be Shit Part ?

2006-05-03T20:45:00.000+01:00

Honestly, I’ve lost count of just how many times I’ve posted praising this great, great country. But there are some things that really do beggar belief.

The scandal of the last 10 days is, of course, the massive screw up by the Home Office and their handling of foreign criminals whose jail terms in the UK have ended. For those of you fortunately unaware of the situation, normally, such Johnny Foreigners should have been considered for deportation the moment their sentences ended.

Typically, they were not, and were freed back into British society. Released like a fat river trout to spawn again. Or, in this case, break more of our finely honed, ancient laws. Now, call me a reactionary rascist if you will, but why are we even housing foreign criminals? Why am I, as a taxpayer, coughing up my money each month to keep a roof over some madman from far, far away? Surely those warm jail cells and PlayStation 2 games systems could go to our own, home-grown thugs and criminals? Charity begins at home and all that.

But no. Britain has apparently released over 1000 shifty, catarrh-filled, soap-dodging crime tourists back into society instead of showing them the front door with a big fat boot up their arses.

Surely heads would roll over this? And I don’t just mean the next victims of many of these criminals’ ventures. Of the 1000+ freed, many of them are major offenders, and hundreds still haven’t been tracked down by the police and other agencies. Part of this massive cock up is that none of the agencies involved talk to each other, system-wise. The Police National Computer (PNC) isn’t linked to the systems run by the probation board or immigration, so none of them know what the Hell the other one is doing. Augurs well for those proposed National ID cards the government want us all to have, eh?

Naturally, King Tony Blair blamed the whole debacle today on “decades” worth of failures, rather than pointing any fingers at his Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, or even Clarke’s predecessor, David Blunkett. But the real culprits are, of course, the Civil Servants. Those suited men who basically cannot be sacked or fired when they screw up, but instead get moved sideways thanks to our insane Civil Service rules. Politicians can’t sack Civil Servants. They’re not allowed. And, since Civil Servants keep their jobs regardless of which political party is in government, their own political leanings are open to question.

One of Blair’s buzz phrases during his various election campaigns was: Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.

What a tool.

The solution was at least partly put forward today by Clarke, who suggested that foreign criminals convicted of crimes in Britain be considered for deportation earlier in their sentence. In other words, they should serve the majority of their sentence in their home country.

I think it was Dr. Watson who, in the novels of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, first coined the phrase, “No shit, Sherlock.” Although I could be mistaken about that.

Positive Proof that Power Attracts

2006-04-30T11:31:00.000+01:00

It’s not scientific, but it is pretty conclusive. For years, psychologists have told us that women find powerful men attractive, but in the UK we’ve rarely had an example quite as good as this week’s.

When the news broke that Deputy Prime minister, John Prescott had an extra-marital affair, most Brits assumed that the woman in question was either impaired in some way, or had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Amazingly, Prescott’s mistress turned out to be reasonably attractive and articulate. Clearly, opposites attract. Prescott, famed for his inability to string a coherent sentence together (he studied at the George W. Bush Institute for the Bestment of English Talk), is one of those politicians Tony Blair likes to hide.

If you need an idiotic soundbite or a public error, John’s your man. In the past, he’s had buckets of water poured on him at music award shows, punched a protester in the face at a political rally and hit the headlines over his champagne socialist ways.

And now he’s being hauled over the tabloid coals for boffing his appointments secretary. What a top cliché he is.

But look at that face and tell me it had nothing to do with his job and everything to do with his rippling physique and diamond in the rough charm!

No Sex, Please, We’re Carolinans

2006-04-23T16:08:00.000+01:00

Apologies if ‘Carolinans’ isn’t the correct term, but hey, I’m foreign. Whaddayagonnado?

I read today that those tolerant, middle of the road folks in South Carolina have taken yet another step towards insanity. Maybe it was my comment about the Mason-Dixon line in the last post that tipped the balance. I don’t know. What I do know is that down there, the locals are well and truly bonkers. Crazy. Whacko.

The Associated Press is reporting moves by South Carolina’s Legislature to outlaw sex toys. According to AP, “The South Carolina bill, proposed by Republican Rep. Ralph Davenport, would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow law enforcement to seize sex toys from raided businesses.”

“‘Other states that ban the sell of sex toys include Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Texas’, said Mark Lopez, an attorney for the American Civil Liberties Union.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d really be inclinded to keep the government out of my bedroom. If I want to pleasure Mrs Monk with a chunk of throbbing plastic, then that’s our business. If I want to be able to do it with something I bought, rather than made in my toolshed with lots of wires hanging out of it and faulty electrics, then hey, surely I should be allowed to do so without being fined or going to jail. Not that I’d need to, of course, because I’m a sexual dynamo with no erectile problems ever. Never. Always works. I’m a stud. She told me.

But the point is this, yet again, a handful of crackpots is trying to dictate the behaviour of the people who elected them. It’s highly unlikely that Senator Davenport’s Bill will go through, but the fact that he feels he can try is warning enough. I would hate to find out what he gets up to in the bedroom, but I can bet it’s a hell of a lot more alarming than a simple sex toy.

Come on, America, get back to being the Land of the Free and stop dicking around with your nation’s civil liberties. And you thought Communism was evil!

Cats V Dogs

2006-04-21T21:45:00.000+01:00

I used to be a dog person. Then I met the woman I would ultimately marry, and she informed me that I would become a cat lover instead. Well, that’s the way things work in the real world: women tell men, men roll over and do as they’re told. If you hear different, it’s because you’re talking to a virgin or a gay male.

Anyway, I used to think my dogs were smart. They weren’t. They ran around like idiots and drooled everywhere. For the last 15 years or so, I’ve been a cat person. Cats are just smarter than dogs. You could lock a dog in your car on a hot summer’s day and come back to find a crispy critter on the back seat. Try doing the same with a cat, and you’d come back to find the cat sitting on the roof of the locked car, waving its paw at you and calling you, “Cheeky!”

Take this dog, for instance. Rescuers in Fort Worth, Tx, found him with his head wedged up a pipe. Initially, they thought it was part of an Abraham Lincoln look-a-like contest (stovepipe hat, anyone?), and then they realised that there were no such competitions likely to take place in Texas. Or anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line, for that matter…

The dog, now named Piper, was taken to an animal control facility where her neck was well and truly greased up with baby lotion and the pipe removed. Piper has now switched from pipes to chewing tobacco… Jeez, what a dumb dog. Wonder if there was a cat biting its ass when the rescuers found it?!

Americans, Alcohol, Cars and Food

2006-04-19T22:24:00.000+01:00

With Easter out of the way, time for some reflection. First of all, we had the mother- and brother-in-law (the one we do speak to, as opposed to the incredibly rich one we don’t talk to) over for dinner. As is traditional, we had a roast dinner; namely, roast potatoes, lots of vegetables, roast chicken and a big hunk of roast beef. That’s pretty par for the course whenever Brits gather for a big family meal.

Which made me wonder: what do Americans do in that situation? I don’t think roasts are so big over there, but I just don’t know. So maybe someone can tell me?

The other thing that came to mind was the fact that my brother-in-law got busted for drink driving at the end of last year. When his case came to court earlier this year, he was banned from driving until November. When he gets back on the road, his motoring insurance will go through the roof. And that’s something else that seems to separate Brits and Yanks: DUI.

Over here, there’s still massive social stigma attached to being caught driving over the alcohol limit. But from what I gather watching all those cop reality shows, in the USA, having a DUI isn’t that big a deal for a lot of people. Then there’s the whole concept of drinking and driving. In the UK, drinking is done indoors, and driving is done in cars (seems so obvious when you write it down, doesn’t it?), but in certain parts of America, there seems to be this culture of driving with booze in the car. It’s all about ‘open alcohol containers’ in cars. I just can’t get my head round that. It just doesn’t happen over here. So, America, what’s the big thing about drinking while you’re actually driving? I don’t get it. Please explain! When I was a kid (admittedly, this was a long time ago, when everything was in black and white), we would go somewhere to drink. We’d drive there, get out of the car, and drink. And then we’d go somewhere else. We didn’t just drink in the car while we were on the move. Particularly when we were the ones driving. Hey, how did I end up talking about myself in the plural? Weird… See how I digress? My point is, as someone who rides motorcycles and drives cars (as do I), I’m amazed my brother-in-law screwed up like that. As he said, he just lost count and couldn’t believe himself that he was slightly over the limit when they busted him.

So, with my brother-in-law unable to drive, I naturally gave him a slot car (Scalextric) set to torment him. Then we played Ridge Racer on my Xbox 360. The irony was not lost on either of us. But I’m still left wondering what draws Americans to pop open beer cans behind the wheel. Is it just simple impatience from the nation that brought us ‘fast food’ that in general, is neither ‘fast’, nor could it really be described as ‘food’? Answers on a postcard to the usual address…

Hmm… Placenta

2006-04-19T21:24:00.000+01:00

I’m still trying to get over the puke factor of Tom Cruise announcing that he plans to eat the placenta that will be attached to his forthcoming baby, and of course his missus, Katie Holmes. There’s a chef here in the UK named Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall who famously whipped up a placenta on TV a couple of years ago. There was much adverse publicity, but Fearnley-Whittingstall (whose shows I really like), will eat pretty much anything. His first TV series saw him driving around the UK making meals out of what he found.

But Tom? Surely he could spring for a Bargain Bucket with all that money? Hell, I’ll chip in a couple of bucks if he’s short. Oh. He is short, isn’t he? Hmm.

Anyhoo, as Tom prepares for the European PR marathon that marks the release of MI:3, there’s been a lot of Press about his impending fatherhood. And it ain’t all good. A lot of the coverage has centred around the ‘creative differences’ the film has seen and the creative types who’ve left for various reasons. And then there’s the whole Scientology thing, and the fact that Tom is now more vocal than ever about his religious beliefs.

Now, I’m not one to question anyone’s tenets or beliefs, but I’ve done a lot of reading about Scientology over the last month or so. When I was a kid, I took the tests a couple of times for fun, which really, really, really annoyed my parents. Naturally, I had no intention of signing up, but it was good fun supplying all the wrong answers. But up until this year, I was wholly unaware that right at the core of Scientology, lurked an incredible secret. A secret so big, that only a very few Scientologists are let in on it. At least, that was the way things were until South Park jumped in with both feet and kicked Scientology around the school yard for a while.

The truth about Scientology is just too bizarre; it’s all about saucer people. Yep. Check out Operation Clambake for the full, amazing story.

I won’t go into further detail here, because as I said, I respect other belief systems, by and large. But it strikes me as totally counter-productive for Cruise to start singing the praises of his religion at a time when more people than ever are finding out what it’s all about. Tom’s also been very vocal in his criticism of post-natal depression medication and psychiatry in general, which he apparently called ‘pseudo science’. Here, I disagree with him entirely, and would love to ask him whether his belief system is getting in the way of his ability to see himself as a role model. Post-natal depression affects millions of women worldwide, and as someone with family members who have seen mental health professionals, I’d challenge his comments on shrinks, too.

Then there have been the very public and litigious rumours about Tom’s sexuality. To which I ask one question: who cares? As long as someone is happy, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass which side of the street they shopped on.

The latest article on the BBC News website asks whether his impending baby can turn his image around. Does he need that? Surely the question is, are his films still good? If they are, then people will always go to see them. I’d just like him to do a few more movies like Payback, where he was cast against type and put in a blinding performance. Oh, and fewer like War of the Worlds. Which smelled of cat pee once you got past the special effects.

To summarise, then: Tom, less Scientology, less body part eating and a few more films like Payback, please.

Desert Vacation

2006-04-18T20:27:00.000+01:00

My friend, we’ll call him, um, TJ. Yes, that’ll do, if only because it’s nothing like his real name. Anyway, my friend TJ is currently sunning himself in the gorgeous vacation hot spot that is Afghanistan.

Among the holiday activities he’s looking forward to are hunting (see sporting rifles image) and off-road driving in his special RV. Nice to see that the local authorities have kitted the RV out with some optional extras, such as anti-tank guns in the rear and bunches of flowers in the windscreen. Niiiiice.

TJ is keeping me updated with other images of his new vacation home, which I’ll post as and when. It’s his job to liaise with the local forces and hunt down Taleban fighters. He’s very good at it, too, so fingers crossed he comes home okay. Although if things work out like normal, he’ll barely be home long enough to do his laundry before he has to go away again. Still, makes up for the fact that he spends the other nine months of the year skiing, sky-diving and poncing around in his shiny dress uniform chatting to the Royal family.

More Consumer Debt

2006-04-18T19:42:00.000+01:00

…And it’s mine. All mine. After several years of putting around in a VW diesel, I’ve taken the plunge and signed my life away for another five years. So no early-early-early retirement for me, then.

I used to have good cars. Had a string of them. And then I threw one of them into a ditch and a hedgerow. My insurance sky-rocketted, and I admitted defeat and ended up with the “sensible option”, the VW Golf GT110 TDI.

All the excitement of diesel, in a shiny red package that quickly ended up looking like a trash can. It accumulated rubbish and mess the way Victorian children accumulated interesting diseases.

I’ve spent the last few weeks hemming and hawing about changing cars. Since I got my ass so royally kicked out of what had appeared to be a stable job five years ago, the idea of spending large amounts of money has filled me with dread. That’s mainly down to the fact that the day before I lost my last job, I’d taken delivery of a brand new Kawasaki ZX-R600. So I blew five grand on a bike and the next day came home early with all of my shit in a cardboard box.

It was a sobering time.

However, my old car was pissing me off so much that I had to do something. It was either change it, or set fire to it in the driveway, and I believe the authorities take a dim view of throwing your own personal riot in your front yard.

At the weekend, I found the car I wanted. I spoke to the dealer, and told him I had one to trade in. That meant that this morning was cleaning frenzy time. The old car was vacuumed, washed and the inside given a bit of detailing. It made little difference to the price they offered me on it. Yikes. Two thousand pounds trade in? Crap. Four years ago, it cost me 12k to buy. Ain’t life grand?

Oh well. I got a pretty good deal on the new one (when I say ‘new’, I mean new to me, not brand new), and sometime early next week, I take delivery of a car most people in the UK regard as the ultimate wanker mobile; a car driven by tossers and wankers. So it suits me down to the ground! Now let’s see if I still have a job when I go in to the office tomorrow, or whether history will repeat itself and I’ll end up writing the rest of this blog from prison, following an armed rampage through London.

That Sunday Feeling

2006-04-16T16:44:00.000+01:00

Is it just me, or are Sundays where you live generally miserable? I mean, it always seems to rain on Sundays. Normally, Sunday is our last bastion of peace and quiet before Monday’s commuter mayhem and an unwelcome return to the rat race.

Easter Sunday is normal Sunday squared, unless you’re a church-going Christian. I’m not, but Mrs Monk has expressed a faith preference before now, and a lot of other people head for church in these parts. Must be something to do with living in a rural community. There’s actually community spirit in the local villages. Not that I encourage it, obviously. Working in London means I’m always suspicious of anyone and their motives. Smile at me and you’ll probably get maced.

But I digress. As usual.

So, Sundays, then. Today at least holds the promise of Easter eggs, and it dawned relatively bright, if not sunny. The usual grey pall crept in around lunchtime; you know the one that never seems to make up its mind whether it wants to rain or not. But by then I had already decided that it was time to cut the lawn. Sigh. Normally, Easter Sunday would herald the sound of two-stroke mower engines being revved into life, but I seemed to be alone in my efforts. Maybe everyone else was trying to decide if it was going to rain or not. Whatever, I fulfilled my stereotypical Sunday role and cut the lawn for the first time this year. Hey, nobody said blogs had to be controversial or exciting all of the time, did they? This post has more to do with making the readers suffer the same tiresome chore I had to. So there.

The highlight came when I was cutting a section next to where my neighbour tore his hedge out last year. Now that was a travesty in itself. A nice, mature, evergreen hedge which he had managed to slaughter on his side when he trimmed the shit out of it. His side was brown and dead. My side covered a good six foot strip of land that I didn’t have to mow. I liked that aspect. It was also home to Lord knows how many birds, and he cut it at nesting time. Idiot. I came home from work one day and there was no hedge. He planted a replacement, which is taking an age to do anything, and he topped up the soil with topsoil from one of the local farmers. I’d often wondered what was in that soil, because that bit of my garden is now home to some interesting plants. Not interesting as in, dry ’em and smoke ’em interesting (which is a pity, I know), but interesting as in, “That’s a big plant, is it a triffid?” I pulled one of them up before I mowed. I have turnips growing in my garden.

Last year, the most interesting thing I found in the garden was a three foot long grass snake (well, the cats found it, and then ran away like me). This year it would appear to be turnips. Hmm. Wonder what else will grow up there?

Naturally, one cut wasn’t enough. I then had to attach the grass box and go back and pick up all the clippings and dead leaves that I’ve ignored since September last year. And just as I finished this mind-numbingly tedious task, it tipped it down with rain, in true Sunday style.

The sooner World Superbikes and MotoGP get back to Sunday races, the better. That way I’ll have an excuse to sit on my backside all day Sunday. Apart from that rushed 3pm trip to the gym, of course.

Still, my Sunday is done. And now it’s back to the important things in life. Such as Xbox 360. Who said 40-year-olds had to conform to the norm all of the time?

American English

2006-04-14T23:51:00.000+01:00

The other day, when I was installing my new operating system (I need to reboot myself twice daily), sorry, when I was installing my Mac’s new OS, I was asked if I wanted American English, or International English.

As everyone knows, English is the language we’re all born understanding. If a foreigner can’t speak English, then as any British tourist will assert, the best thing to do is to speak louder. However, with summer and vacation time approaching, perhaps I should give American readers of this blog (of which there are at least three, yes, count ’em) a heads-up as to phrases you can use over in the UK, but which might get you hit “upside the head” in the USA.

The original English phrase appears first, with a handy translation in parenthesis:

1. I really fancy a fag.
(Not an incitement for homosexual activity, instead an indication that the speaker would enjoy a cigarette. Yes, they’re still legal in the UK!)

2. Could you lay the table for me?
(No, not a perverse British sexual suggestion, instead a request to place cutlery and crockery onto a dining table.)

3. Oooh, baby, lick my fanny!
(Close, but no cigar. Proper fanny licking would require your female partner to turn around and show you her ‘front bottom’, not her ass. Although hey, whatever works.)

4. Pissed off
(Just take the word ‘pissed’ and apply the proper ending. Simple!)

5. That bloke’s a wanker!
(I believe that chap is a frequent onanist.)

And now, with added Cockney:

1. You’re having a tin bath, ain’t you?
(You, Sir, must be joshing with me.)

2. Take a butcher’s at this
(Have a look at this, from butcher’s hook, meaning ‘look’)

3. It’s all gone Pete Tong!
(Everything has gone wrong, from the DJ of the same name.)

This is one posting that will probably be updated regularly, as I stumble across further phrases which could cause trouble for my Colonial Cousins. In the meantime, if you could just get your educators to teach kids which vowels go where, and let them know that just because the word “thru” is quicker to write than “through”, it doesn’t mean it’s right. Oh, and stop saying “zee” as well while you’re at it, for Heaven’s sake.

Web Cooties

2006-04-14T23:33:00.000+01:00

According to Gina B, I’m ‘it’. Hmm. Pretty sure there weren’t any other consonants in front of that, which is unusual in itself.

There’s a nasty bout of Blog Transfer Disease (BTD) doing the rounds, and no amount of anti-viral software can stop it. The only known cure is to list six habits or things about myself, and then pass the virus along to fellow bloggers. This, in itself, is probably a criminal offence. I mean, deliberately infecting someone? Someone you’re not even related to by birth or marriage? Mind you, I do travel on the London Underground, so infections from strangers aren’t exactly a new concept for me.

Okay. Six things I hate about me? Or six habits. Only you (and Mrs Monk) will know…

1. Pointless whistling. I can’t help it. It even annoys me. I don’t know why I do it. I’m sorry.

2. My cats. Love ’em. All four (we lost the Alpha cat last year) of them.

3. TV. It’s always on somewhere in the house, just moving wallpaper, which irritates the hell out of Mrs Monk.

4. Apple Macs. I hate PCs and belive them to be the Devil’s work.

5. Public transport. In the UK it sucks the big one. It truly does. The government continue to screw car drivers and bike riders but our antiquated railways and underground lines can’t cope.

6. The fact that I’m immensely lazy. If I wasn’t, I could achieve so much more. I just can’t be bothered.

There. That’s me done. I now officially infect:

Fez Monkey
Joe_The_Troll

Tag! You guys are it!

Best Served Cold

2006-04-14T23:16:00.000+01:00

Revenge, so they say (never did find out who ‘they’ were), is a dish best served cold. Personally, I’ve matured enough now to understand that the best revenge is living well.

But a few years ago, when I was suddenly outsted from a company that I’d worked for loyally for over a decade, I wasn’t so mature. I fought the strong urge to do several people serious physical harm. Of course, I didn’t. I may be borderline sociopath, but common sense won that little mental argument, and I lived well instead.

And so it was with some irony that today, on Good Friday, I heard the news that my former MD, who helped kick my sorry ass out the front door a few years ago, was in a spot of bother. Like me, he too was ousted from our former company, although under much murkier circumstances. He eventually found another job and the recent scuttlebut was that he had attempted a hostile takeover while the company owner was out of the country. That went badly wrong, and I now hear that he’s been fired and is being sued by his former employer. I also understand that his former employer is taking it all the way.

I think we can all learn from that. If you scheme and plot against people who are bigger than you, and have much less limited resources, you will be found out and punished. The guy I’m talking about, well, he deserves this in spades. My cell phone has been buzzing with messages all day from friends who worked for the same company and also left.

You really do reap what you sow.

Old Fashioned Common Sense

2006-04-13T21:26:00.000+01:00

I found this posted as a link on another blogger’s site, and decided it was worth re-posting here. Thanks, Jen. It’s depressingly amusing!

1. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

2. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

3. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

4. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

5. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

6. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

7. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

8. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

9. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but Creationism should be taught in schools.

10. A President lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A President lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

11. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

12. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s cocaine conviction (and military record) is none of our business.

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a Conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. You support States’ rights, which means Attorney General Gonzalez can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant. (As are the business deals Halliburton conducted with the Taleban, and the Bush family links to the bin Laden family and the Saudi royal family.)

Bad Apples

2006-04-11T22:51:00.000+01:00

I love Apple Macs. Always have. From the early days in my career when PCs were the size of small family cars and had the processing power of a stone wired up to a car battery, I quickly fell in love with Apple’s more stylish designs. And since I wasn’t paying for them, price was never a consideration!

But today’s messing around with operating systems and file exchanging, well. Sometimes I wonder if maybe, just maybe, Apple couldn’t do things a little more simply.

I wanted to re-format my HD and install a new version of the Mac OS without losing any data. The easiest way to do this, perversely, was to install an operating system on my shiny new Firelite drive and run that as the boot disc. That meant I could then wipe the old machine, install the new OS onto it and then migrate all of my data back over again from the Firelite drive onto my laptop. So that was two brand new OS installs and two total data swaps.

It’s taken most of the evening.

Surely there must be an easier way than this?

Is everyone else finding this as boring as I just did, typing it out?

I may need a hobby.

Techno-Rage

2006-04-10T21:47:00.000+01:00

Pride comes before a fall. So today we wrapped up the extra issue I’d had dropped in my lap a week ago. Not bad. Not bad at all. In exactly six days, my inherited team and I managed to get an entire issue of a national consumer magazine out the door to repro. I won’t go into specifics (because I just don’t on this blog), but I rewarded the guys with big toys to say thank you, even though they were just doing their jobs.

Hell, they earned it. Their previous editor has managed to make their magazine so mind-bogglingly late that my deadline on it was supposed to be this Wednesday. It’s due on the presses next Tuesday!

Oh, it was quite, quite late. And we still managed to bring it in three days early.

So I was feeling pretty smug. Our IT guy had played around with the stupid little Flybook laptop, and saw no reason why it shouldn’t work. “Good news. I’ll try it tonight”, I told him. In addition, my Powerbook G4 was playing up a bit, so I figured it was time to update the system and sort out those pesky permissions, which are all shot to hell and won’t be re-set by any means. Time for a re-format and a whole new operating system. Unfortunately, the new system disc is of no use whatsoever. So throwing away a bunch of crap off the laptop and backing up onto my shiny new 100Gb drive in preparation was a complete waste of time. The new OS X disc asks me to restart my machine… and then it asks me to restart my machine… and then it asks me to restart my machine… anyone see a pattern developing here?

What makes it even worse is that the Flybook still won’t find my wireless router (it did on the first day, and hasn’t since), and with the utter lack of software on it, means it’s about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. It’s a £1400 door stop. And now my router is playing up and won’t let me get on to Gmail. I can go everywhere else, and I know it’s the router and not Gmail, because I tried it from work and it was fine.

So I’m sitting here with a patchy G4, a useless PC and a shonky router.

Add to that my irritation with PCs in general, and the products of Mr B. Gates of Seattle. What the hell is Windows XP all about? I’ve been using computers since they had green displays and 10Mb hard drives, but if XP is supposed to be easily accessible or even halfway intuitive, then I’m an Olympic champion. Just trying to find out why the Wi-Fi wouldn’t work and where the hell it lived was a joke in itself. Into Control Panels, find the LAN icon, open it using a right click, go into Properties and activate the Wi-Fi? If I hadn’t been in the presence of one of Britain’s biggest Geeks, I would’ve resorted to throwing the laptop out of my window and down onto the West End of London, several floors below. There then would’ve followed a series of embarrassing emails to the PR company, and so on. Come on, PC users, fart-arsing around like that is not in any way intuitive.

So how glad was I to get back to my Mac? Which doesn’t bloody work properly, either! Aaargh! How am I supposed to evangelise Apple products when they bite back with stuff that won’t work?! Stupid, stupid, stupid machines!

Bill Gates? Wanker. Steve Jobs? Wanker. Make stuff that works and isn't superseded within 10 minutes of you launching it, you multi-millionaire bastards!

Skanks: You're Never Too Young To Start

2006-04-07T22:32:00.000+01:00

Every now and then, pastiche mingles with reality in a great, big melting pot of insanity. Only last evening, Mrs Monk and I were enjoying a repeat of the South Park episode featuring a parody of Paris Hilton, dubbed a “stupid, spoiled whore” throughout the episode. In the show, Paris opens a store called Stupid Spoiled Whore, launches a perfume called Skanque and a play set containing a night vision filter (handy for those homemade pornos), Ecstasy tabs and fake dollars. All in all, a pretty scathing indictment of skankiness.

And then today, I find a story online via the Drudge Report about a 10-year-old girl in 4th Grade in the US, who’s protesting about her school’s dress code. The kiddie in question, Zoe Hinkle, and her mother, Leslie, don’t think that there’s anything wrong with her miniskirts, provided she has shorts stitched in underneath. Her school, Steams Elementary in Upper St. Claire, PA., say the dress code imposes limits on clothes that disrupt the educational process or cause a safety hazard.

Is this one of those mother and daughter teams who dress alike, style their hair the same way and will go out on double dates in the future? Does Leslie tell anyone who’ll listen: “People think we’re sisters!” I suspect so. Normally, I’d sit here advocating miniskirts for any female within a 50 mile radius. But with one proviso: they have to finish puberty first.

In this instance, it just sounds like another kid who’s being made to grow up too soon, and has no idea why women even wear miniskirts. Who do I blame? Why, the parents, of course! Good job, Leslie. Paris would be proud.

Swedish Library Prudes

2006-04-07T21:59:00.000+01:00

If they can see your underwear, then in Sweden, you don’t have any business reading library books. According to one of the whackier postings on Ananova, librarians at Tullbro School in Falkenberg are clamping down on some ‘teenage fashions’. Although the school doesn’t have a uniform code, kids who wear hipster jeans which expose their underwear are barred from borrowing books. Wearing baseball caps and beanies will also get you banned.

Well, that’s outstanding work. We already have a generation of kids who make Beavis & Butt-head look like Yale candidates, so preventing them from expanding their minds and soaking up all that dangerous knowledge will certainly ensure that we have a healthy supply of cannon fodder to throw at wars over the next couple of decades.

In the UK, we’ve seen bans in shopping centres and malls for kids who wear hooded sweat shirts with the hoods up. It’s part of “hoodie culture” apparently. But to anyone not wearing them, they look like a bunch of shifty juvey criminals. And coincidentally, a high percentage of them are. I quite like it when thugs wear their hoods up. It’s even better if they also wear a baseball cap and an iPod.

They can’t hear you sneaking up on them at all!

If it's Friday, it's Scalextric!

2006-04-07T15:47:00.000+01:00

The slot racers arrived today, and one of my minions is busy setting them up. But we got more than I'd bargained for. Not just three sets, but four: two British Superbike sets and two Formula One sets.

I expect no work from minions this afternoon. Still, it's nice to let them off the leash now and again once they're housebroken…

To prove to doubting Fez Monkey that there was more than just one, sad oval, here's another shot of a couple of the boxes. The bike riders are held on with those plastic trash bag twists. Classy. I don't recall ever seeing Miguel Duhammel wearing one of those in the AMA, mind you.

Finally, a Judge Says What We've all Thought!

2006-04-06T21:55:00.000+01:00

From the BBC News website:

Judge labels case 'PC gone mad'

Legal proceedings against a 10-year-old boy over alleged racist name-calling have been labelled political correctness gone mad, by a judge.

The boy from Irlam, Greater Manchester, was summonsed to court accused of racially abusing a fellow pupil. Judge Jonathan Finestein told Salford Youth Court the boys would have been given "a good clouting"* in his day. Adjourning it to 20 April, he asked prosecutors to reconsider whether the case was in the public interest.

The boy is accused of abusing an 11-year-old pupil in a school playground between 1 July 2005 and 30 January 2006. The court was told that the boys are now friends and play football with each other.

But Mr Finestein said he thought the decision to prosecute the youngster was "crazy" and urged the Crown Prosecution Service to reconsider its decision.

"Have we really got to the stage where we are prosecuting 10-year-old boys because of political correctness? I was repeatedly called fat at school. Does this amount to a criminal offence?

He added: "Nobody is more against racist abuse than me but these are boys in a playground, this is nonsense.

"I think somebody should consider reversing the decision to prosecute."

A spokeswoman for Greater Manchester Police said the force took all crimes seriously and was totally opposed to any racism.

*For the benefit of foreign readers, a 'good clouting' is the same as a spanking on the butt, or a clip round the ear.

Now, there are a few issues here. First of all, let us consider the breakdown of respect in society, driven, in my opinion, by a total absence of corporal punishment in schools and homes. I was smacked as a kid, and other than a deep-seated hatred towards society and borderline sociopathy, I turned out fine. More seriously, let's consider that same lack of punishment for children and throw absentee fathers in to the mix. My folks split up, but I was a grown up by then and it had no affect on my already-screwed up family.

Being hugely politically incorrect myself, I quickly picked up on the fact that once upon a time it was the black community in the UK which suffered from absentee fathers. As far as I've been able to ascertain from the black girls I know, this is a cultural phenomenon. But I'm nothing if not even-handed, and am happy to report that the same thing has been happening in Honkey Land for at least 15 years, if not longer. White guys go off and impregnate the first drunken skank they meet, and then waltz off on their merry way with little care for the consequences. The girls, meanwhile, were rewarded with free council housing.

In the UK, we have an organisation which is supposed to track these casual sperm chuckers out. They're called the Child Support Agency (CSA), and they're as much use as just saying no to drugs. They're financially inefficient and hugely unpopular after mounting crusades against fathers who actually were taking responsibility. After much bad publicity, they faded in to the background.

The other noteworthy thing about the judge in this case is that his name strikes me as being quite Jewish. So for a Jewish man to take a stand against politically correct bullshit and racism impresses me immensely.

If only more social workers were killed… sorry, I meant to say if only more social workers left their idiotic and pointless world views back at university and joined the real world, maybe we could make some progress. And if men started taking responsibility for the contents of their testicles, and the police weren't led around by the nose by the government… ah, yeah, you're right. It's a pipedream, isn't it?

Still, top marks to the judge, no marks to the dumb coppers and full marks to the two boys who are now good mates. Isn't that always the way at school?

Perhaps if kids were educated as to why racial name calling is bad, and then giving a damned good slap across the ass when they did it, we'd live in a slightly more tolerant, less insane world. A world were a 10-year-old kid name-calling someone didn't end up in court. And maybe, just maybe, in that same world, those same kids would grow up and realise that the concept of 'respect' isn't something you earn just because you can afford to buy a nine mill pistol.

Yep, just like Bill Hicks, people say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I won't include John Lennon there, what with the whole 'being shot' thing and everything. And if anyone thinks my comments about absentee fathers in the black community is in itself racsist - two things. Number one, get a life. Number two, please watch any Spike Lee film, or even an episode of Chris Rock's Everyboy Hates Chris, where there are only four male adults on his block, as noted by Rock himself.

To see the same parallel in the white community, please visit the social security building of your choice.

Depressing Facts about Iraq

2006-04-06T21:46:00.000+01:00

Just to keep the tone light, did you know that on average, Baghdad has electricity for only six hours a day?

And the average number of deaths in Iraq per day so far this year? 31 lives, every day, no exceptions.

There, just thought I'd throw that one in, just in case anyone thought things were still going well over there.

My buddy has just shipped back over to Afghanistan. I'm sure he'll have some great stories for me. Or at least some great Taleban drug connections. Well, it has been a bumper year for opium poppies over there this year.

Bird Flu Arrives in the UK

2006-04-06T21:31:00.000+01:00

Yes, that's it. It's here. We're all going to die. All I can hear is the sound of keyboards as the population of the UK type up their Wills.

The first known case of a bird dying due to the H5N1 Avian flu virus has been recorded in Scotland. As a Scotsman, it's nice to know that "We're number 1!" At last, Scotland beats England at something other than obesity and heart disease. Well done, Scotland.

Oh. It's not really a success story, is it?

The dead mute swan was found in Cellardyke, in Fife, just over the Firth of Forth from Edinburgh, the country's capital, eight days ago. Tests only confirmed the cause of death today. Well, I don't understand that for a second; in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, that kind of test takes about 10 minutes. What were those lazy Scottish scientists doing? Clearly, there's no Gus Grissom working in that lab.

According to the BBC: The Scottish Executive has extended surveillance zones in Scotland to include 175 properties with 3.1 million birds, as well as free-range poultry.

Wow. That's a lot of surveillance. Hopefully, they've been trained by Homeland Security or the FBI, who are used to that sort of scale of spying…

Farmers in Scotland are now under instruction to house their birds, although there are no plans to order that all poultry across the UK be ordered indoors. The Scottish Executive, who govern the country, felt that such a move would be, "disproportionate". Well, it's not as though birds can fly or anything. They're famed for their lack of movement and the fact that moss and algae often grow on them. Indeed, they spend most of their time suspended from tree branches, sleeping.

No, hang on, that's three-toed sloths. Sorry.

Birds, of course, are rather proficient at flying. What with those wings and everything. Still, I'm sure it'll all turn out fine in the end. It usually does, thanks to themarvelouss Tony Blair and his amazing government who never, ever, fuck anything up.

So, if you're in the UK, don't make any plans later in the year. You'll probably be dead and covered in snot. Or feathers.

Random Acts of Humour

2006-04-05T21:53:00.000+01:00

Sometimes, you've just got to laugh, no matter how much pressure 'They' (those unnamed 'powers-that-be' we all hear about) pile upon you.

With someone else's project to run as well as my own, things are a tad busy at work. I'm even struggling to find time to gaze stupidly out of my window, and surf the internet all afternoon. Honestly, I don't know how I used to cram it all in to a full day… I wish.

Anyway, this afternoon, as we were all at full-steam ahead, with layouts flying here and there, DVD sleeves being fired back from repro houses and photographers suddenly 'popping in' (gotta love the 'pop in') when least expected, we had a humour break.

One of the designers, a guy who has a tonne of freelance work outside of the office, sent me up a layout. I had no choice but to call other staff in to join in the moment. There were the images of the subject, and top left, at the start of the page, was a shot of the subject holding a MacBeth colour chart. Yes, that's one in the picture to the top left here. I called him and had to explain that, no, we don't use those in layouts; they're just for the reprographic guys to match colour temperatures. My poor designer realised his mistake immediately. Far from the subject of the photos learning to paint (his initial thought), he quickly understood that no, that wasn't a palate of water colour paints after all… well, he doesn't get to deal with digital imagery too often!

Captain Stinky to the Rescue!

2006-04-04T22:27:00.000+01:00

A posting by a fellow blogger reminded me that I hadn't bitched about my commute home last Friday. I could bitch about my trip home last night, and the fact that my train broke down less than four minutes out of the station. My journey home took an extra hour. I could claim compensation, but they send you frickin' vouchers rather than a cheque. And what use are they when you've got an annual season ticket? Do you put them aside for a year, saying, "Oh yes, I'll remember those in 12 months' time." No. You don't. You just get annoyed.

Anyway, there's this guy who gets on my train in the evenings. He cycles around London and stows his bike on the train. He's a sweaty man. A sweaty man who seems oblivious to his own rancid odour.

As a sweaty man myself, I take pride in the fact that, thanks to advances in science, I can easily purchase the means with which to mask or eradicate sweat and odour. I groom. Not like a Thai ladyboy, obviously, but then it's hard to take too much pride in your appearance when you've got a face like a bag of fighting monkeys.

So I got on my train last Friday and sat down roughly where I'd normally sit. Well, commuting is all about the regular, isn't it? Safe and samey. We don't like change. It upsets us as a group. We moan. We may even write letters of complaint. But we certainly don't confront. Not unless we're drunk.

I sat down, opened my book (the rather fine Open Season by CJ Box) and thought, 'Hey, what the hell is that? Is Captain Stinky behind me? Nope. Weird. Oh, hang on, I'm sitting in Captain Stinky's chair! Noooooo!'

Naturally, I wanted to move, but by this stage I'd been sitting there for 10 minutes. The girl a few rows away from me might think I'm stalking her if I suddenly switch seats. She should be so lucky. Look at the state of her... screw it. I'm going to move.

I swap seats. Guess what? Yep. Same thing. Captain Stinky had done a serious number on that carriage. Or was it me? Hmm. It took one more seat change before I found a seat that didn't smell of someone else's BO. Thank the Lord.

Now that chick thinks I'm seriously weird. Ah, what the hell. I'll just stare at her and drool for the rest of the journey…

There are other amusing people on my journey. There was the school girl last week on a trip with her classmates. She was 18, drunk and emotional. As we were waiting for our stop (we being myself and my fellow commuters), she stood in the corridor, crying. We didn't understand what her classmates were like, the politics of it all, she told us. I had to tell her that if she thought school was bad, just wait until she got into an office environment. She couldn't 'sort out' her classmates. I told her that if I tried, and God knows I was tempted, it would be called common assault. The commuters laughed. She didn't quite get it. In the end, I told her not to worry, and that in 10 years she'd look back at this moment and cringe.

Anyway, if I carry on like this, I'll be telling you all about Jimmy Chin, as I call him, the strange-looking commuter who looks like an albino Jim Bob from The Waltons, and his little hop, skip and a run through the station as he tries to be the first commuter to his car. Ain't people sad?!

Big, Fat Man Hands

2006-04-04T21:31:00.000+01:00

One of the nice things about my job is that I get to play with free stuff. Sometimes I'm even allowed to keep it. And hey, none of that, "Oh, did it get lost in the mail when you sent it back?" nonsense…

Take today, for instance. Some nice PR lady sent me a Flybook. Okay, so I was expecting something written by Walter Mosely, but it turned out to be an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny laptop. I've been lusting after one for years, despite the fact that my own Powerbook is a tiddler with a 12 inch screen. So I opened the Flybook eagerly, and then discovered that, sadly, my big, fat manhands and sausage fingers just don't fit it properly. And I'm not exactly Andre the Giant, or Jabba the Hut.

I'm now trying to work out ways of compressing my fingers into some sort of witchy-witch style shape, so that when I type, I don't automtically hit fifteen keys simultaneously. It's a nice little bit of kit, though.

If you're a munchkin.

Next toy scheduled to arrive at work? Slot car racers, in the shape of the new Formula One Scalextric kits. Oh, and we have a big office. They're sending in two kits, plus the MotoGP.

Rock ’n’ Roll!

Everything Blamed for Teen Sex

2006-04-04T21:01:00.000+01:00

Back when I was a teenager, I was far too busy using recreational drugs and alcohol or committing petty crime to consider having sex with anyone. But it turns out that I might not have been listening to enough rap, or watching enough TV. Had I done that, I might have gotten a little more, you know, action.

According to a report in the New York Daily News, it's all down to the 'meedja' and what we pump into kids' heads. A new report conducted by the University of North Carolina and published in Pediatrics magazine analysed 170 popular songs from the 'hit parade', including tracks by Nelly, Ja Rule, Jay-Z and Destiny's Child. They found that 40 per cent of the lyrics contained sexual content. The fact that it was only 40 per cent surprised me, because it seems that most hippety-hoppety and R&B (didn't that used to mean Rythm & Blues, like The Rolling Stones?!) are sexual. But then I'm old, and maybe the modern slang all sounds sexual to me.

Acccording to the study, The Simpsons was the most popular show amongst teens, but it also found that the shows which featured the most sexual content were WWE Smackdown and MTV's Total Request Live. These shows are also known in Europe as WWE HotHookerSmackdown and MTV's Total Sexual Requests Live, although they've never been called that.

Researchers for the study interviewed 1,017 black and white adolescents from schools in North Carolina. Each teen was evaluated at age 12 to 14 years, and once again two years later, assuming they hadn't been murdered in some sort of high school gun-related incident.

The study seemed surprised that despite all that shocking sexual content in TV shows and songs, less than 1 per cent of 'teen media' content had any mention of sexual health or contraception. Now that does surprise me. One of my all time favourite rap tracks is 'Bag That Bad Boy, Beatch' by Public Enemy. Clearly, it's fallen out of favour over the last few years.

Curiously, at no time does the newspaper report have any mention of where the ultimate blame for all of this lies: the parents. Hey, I know it's a radical concept, but if you don't want your kids to watch crap on TV, don't let them. Turn off the electronic babysitter in the corner and talk to them. Teach them the facts of life. Don't leave it to their school. The US education system is so hamstrung by political correctness that sex ed. lessons now go something like this:

"And then the man puts his front item inside his loving partner's passion sleeve, and then nine months later, a baby is delivered by the stork."

Too many people blame the media for their troubles, and in a culture where no-one is ever to blame for anything, that's just bull puckey.

Working with People Who Don't Like You

2006-04-03T21:46:00.000+01:00

Let's face it, sooner or later, you're going to come across someone at work who doesn't like you. Try as you might, you can't win them round, nor can you ever find a reason for their dislike. Although hey, it might be that they just don't want to tell you that you smell bad. Or that you ate their sandwich out of the fridge three years ago and they heard it was you. Or that was their wife you had sex with at the Christmas Party...

Some insight into my tawdry life. I spent over a decade working for a company who, I thought, respected my loyalty and treated me as someone who had been there for a long time, and held a reasonably responsible position with them. I was pretty much at the top of the tree there. I'd certainly made them a heap of stinking cash over the years, as well as becoming well known in my chosen field.

And then they shafted me. I won't go into the details. I can't, following the legal action I took against them. Let's just say that they fired me, offered me zip and saved my salary by dividing my work among three, lower-paid members of staff. They're that kind of company. And they're currently enjoying the benefits of that behaviour.

For a long time, there wasn't a day that went by without me kicking myself for my misplaced loyalty.

However, within about three weeks of getting the boot from that company, the biggest company in the market, the market leader, were interested in hiring me. I knew them, they'd headhunted me before, offered me loads more money, but I'd declined out of loyalty and the belief that my contract at the other place prohibited it.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I signed up with the market leaders, and my life has never been better. But it's not all roses. Fast forward to four years later…

See, I came from 'that other company'. The rivals. There are some people where I work now who still don't accept me or like me. I'm not into the lunchtime drinking culture, so I don't go to the pub and bitch about anyone. And besides, these guys have mostly never had a job outside of where they are now. They've never worked in the real world so they see their salaries, which are damned good, out of context. There are some people who started after I joined, and still refer to me privately as having come from that other company. They're lucky they still have teeth!

So last week, I'm asked to run someone else's project in addition to my own. Basically, this guy is being moved because he can't do the job, and I have to step in as an interim measure until they can find someone else to fill the job. Now that wouldn't be a problem, but there's someone on his team who really doesn't like me, and now he has to work with me.

I'm in a position where I cannot lose. If the project gets screwed up, it won't be my fault, and my ass is totally covered on that score. If the guys on this team deliberately try and sink it, then they will be out the door, not me. At this stage, it doesn't suck to be me. Although the workload is a little on the heavy side.

But I still admit that I just don't get what it is that I'm doing wrong. Other than being good at what I do and having come from a rival outfit, I can't see the issue. I know that there are certain things the naysayers don't like. For starters, I don't spend all afternoon with them in the pub (and I mean all afternoon, it's that kind of company!), I don't spend enough company money (in their view) and I tend to be in the office when I'm supposed to be in the office. Call me old fashioned, but I'm big on the loyalty thing, and I'm very loyal to my present employers. They, on the other hand, are not. They have agendas. Some of them take more kickbacks than a Republican candidate. These are not wholly honest people. They work 'off their desks' to a large part, doing private jobs instead of their own.

And I'm the bad guy? Go figure!

More breaking life news as it happens…

Aliens to Contact Earth between 2020-2025

2006-03-31T14:06:00.000+01:00

According to the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI), aliens will make contact with our planet sometime between 2020 and 2025. The surprising announcement by Dr Seth Shostack of SETI seems rather open to interpretation, however. He told Ananova: "We'll know we are not alone between the years 2020 and 2025.

Now to me, that seems pretty specific. I got to wondering, how does he know it'll be then? What secret insight does he have? And then it hit me. Somehow, we've upset the aliens. They don't want to be our friends and we're in some sort of 'detention' without realising. If they've already listened in to our planet (as the good doctor also suggested), then clearly they know that there is no intelligent life on Earth anymore. Either that, or he's made some sort of play date with them, but typically, those idiot aliens don't understand the concept of the 24 hour clock. So instead of turning up this week at around 8.20pm, they thought he meant the year 2020. Stupid aliens. Do we really want to talk particle acceleration with people who can't even tell the damn time?

I'm worried already. I don't have a thing to wear.

No, You had the Keys Last!

2006-03-31T13:54:00.000+01:00

We live in a time of heightened alerts. Anyone could be a terrorist! Yes, behind you! That man with the swarthy appearance... what's he up to? That woman with the bulky dress... I don't like the look of her. Is she pregnant, fat, or wearing a suicide bomber's belt?

Thank God, then, for whacky Germans. Not content with having titty money flooding their shops, the crazy Krauts have yet again shown their twisted sense of humour by losing the keys to one of their nuclear reactors.

Operating company, EnBW, have admitted to investigators that they've lost the keys to certain vital areas around the reactors at their plant in Philipsburg, Germany, and that they first noticed the loss around March 10, according to Ananova. The company then compounded the problem by not notifying the authorities for a week.

Prosecutors are now looking into the case, and have opened an investigation against 'unknown perpetrators'. Hmm. How murky and all-encompassing. If I lived anywhere near there and had a long beard and a tan, I'd be on the first bus out!

We can all rest easy, however, knowing that the company have promised to change the locks. Phew. That ought to foil any crazed terrorists. A spokesperson for the company certainly didn't at any time say, "Ve are checking down ze backs of ze cusions, unt alzo under the newzpaperz. Zese things are alfways in ze last place you look, ja."

It's George Clooney's Fault

2006-03-29T14:08:00.000+01:00

Life's too short. I've thought that for a while, but the point keeps on being rammed home by the media and retailers.

I can't pick up a newspaper or TV guide without seeing adverts for the latest 'must see' film or programme, the latest 'must have' gadget or the latest 'must buy' food. I just don't have time to do all these things. I've got a 'must see' wife waiting at home, and she won't put up with any shenanigans from me. I can't even walk past a store without it happening. There are a whole load of 'essential' oils on sale near where I work. I don't have any of them. I'm worried.

Proof that it was getting further out of hand came when I heard that George Clooney has signed up to make Ocean's 13. So far, I've only seen 11. That means I've already missed out on 10 in the series and have to catch up with 12 and 13.

I don't know if I can make it!

Portions of this posting (ie the funny bits) were originally heard in a Boothby Graffoe routine

Or they may have been stolen from a John Gordillo routine. He's a very funny English comedian, whom I have no links for, unfortunately.

London, Public Transport & Human Beings

2006-03-27T22:48:00.000+01:00

Lookit, London has a crappy public transport system. That goes without saying. Likewise, the 2012 Olympics will be an utter travesty. Also goes without saying.

But my complaint this evening isn't about the future. It's about the now. At the moment, we're edging towards Spring. The temperature hit 13 degrees today. Woo. So I ditched my overcoat in favour of something less sweaty. Seems I was the only one, if the Tube ride home tonight was anything to go by.

People, there is likely a room in your home called 'the bathroom'. Inside, you'll find running water. Please use it. And afterwards, once you're dry, see if you can't do something about your underarms. Maybe a little smidgen of deodorant or anti-perspirant? Go on, knock yourselves out.

I can't believe it's not even April yet, and I was stuck next to some stinking, sweaty bastard on the Tube. There's no need for it. It's London, not Paris, for God's sake.

What do people in London do during the summer?
Sweat.

Smells like they're starting early this year! Stinky tossers.

Meat Clothes! It's Art I Tell Ya!

2006-03-27T21:14:00.000+01:00

Just when you think you've heard it all… as if the vision of Britney's gaping birth canal wasn't enough to make an art lover swoon, here comes something for all the Homer Simpsons out there. An art exhibition made entirely of meat! Woo-hoo!

Artist Jan Fabre's exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art in Ghent will only be on display for three days, because on the fourth day, it will go off, apparently. No news as to whether Belgian anti-terrorist police will be on site to ensure that the predicted meat explosion is controlled or not.

The exhibition includes a coat made of steaks and a tent of bacon with sleeping bags of steak. Fabre told Ananova, "Meat is a very erotic material. A lot of my work is about the cult of decay and death. I also loved to create something that will be destroyed after three days. It's a lesson in modesty for every artist who confesses his love for eternity."

Fabre said he worked through the night with his assistants to turn 100kg of steak, 15kg of minced meat and a few kilometers of Parma bacon into art.

It's not the first time he has worked with meat. In 2000, he covered the columns of the university aula in Ghent with pieces of bacon.

Now if a coat made out of steak or a bacon tent isn't art, then I'm afraid I just don't know what is. Honestly, some people have no soul. Mind you, with Fabre around, you could probably have one transplanted. Dover soul, of course.

Oh, and the picture illustrating this isn't actually from his show. Bizarrely, I typed in 'meat clothes' into Google and found the shot here! Weird world, innit?

Appreciating Modern Art

2006-03-24T23:22:00.000Z

Call me old fashioned, but I like my art to look like something. If it’s a painting, then I don't just want an impression of what the artist thinks the subject might look like if he or she were staring through a lead sheet and had imbided 12 pints of absynthe.

My art needs to be representative of its subject.

So when I saw this statue by Daniel Edwards, well, you can imagine my reaction, can’t you?

Blown away.
Speechless.

I mean, how many ‘art’ boxes can one piece of work tick for an appreciative viewer?
If all you see here is a statue of a woman bent double and in considerable pain, well, then I can only feel pity for you. Allow me to illuminate this incredible work. For starters, this isn't just any woman. Oh, no. This is her Vajesty, Britney Spears, the closest thing to female pop royalty the Southern states have ever managed to produce. Princess Britney (as I hereby declare she should be named) is posed in the throes of childbirth, in what the artist calls a ‘monument to pro-life’. Or, to put in terms the rest of the world's philistines might understand: popping a sprog, dropping a pup, taking a pink dump, pooing out a live one... in short, ‘giving birth’.

This frankly miraculous depiction comes not from any secret birthing video, but rather from the artist’s own mind, aided by depictions of Princess Britney as a pole-dancing wax work in Las Vegas’s Madame Tussauds. No, I'm not kidding.

The piece is on show from April 7 through April 23rd at Capla-Kessing Fine Art in Brooklyn, NY.

From the website:
‘Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston,’ believed Pro-Life’s first monument to the ‘act of giving birth,’ is purportedly an idealized depiction of Britney in delivery. Natural aspects of Spears’ pregnancy, like lactiferous breasts and protruding naval, compliment a posterior view that depicts widened hips for birthing and reveals the crowning of baby Sean’s head.

Now if a rear view of Princess Britney’s gaping birth canal, split vulva and ruptured rectum don't constitute art in 2006, well, then surely there’s no hope for the world.

What a wonderful, moving piece this is. I can only hope that the people behind it turn it into some sort of collectors’ series via the Franklin Mint.

Why Video Phones Are Dumb

2006-03-23T21:24:00.000Z

According to a new survey by Post Office HomePhone in the UK, Britain is a nation of naked telephone users.

The survey found that one in three Brits regularly make calls when bare ass nekkid, with men being the worst culprits. 40 per cent of men said they'd made naked phone calls, compared to just 27 per cent of women. So if we look at the data carefully, it clearly shows that those 40 per cent of men are making calls to sex chat lines. Logic surely dictates, then, that there should also be 40 per cent of women answering those calls, wearing at the very most, a sexy pair of panties.

Clearly, women are liars. Or at least 13 per cent of women are liars. Science and statistics, you gotta love it.

And just who at the Post Office came up with the idea of asking people if they made naked phone calls?! Surely if a man called you at home and asked you what you were wearing when you answered the phone, you'd hang up and report him?

I mean, it makes no sense!

Final Katrina Child Reunited

2006-03-23T20:54:00.000Z

We may be six months down the road from Hurricane Katrina and its shit storm, but can you believe that finally, at long last, the final missing child case has been closed. Cortez Stewart, aged four, has been reunited with her mother almost six months after the event.

Cortez (pictured) is the last of 5192 kids reported missing or displaced after the hurricane, and of those children, all but 12 were found alive in the biggest child recovery operation in US history. Top marks to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, but I'm still amazed that it took the world's wealthiest country six months to finally hook all the families up together.

Now I know I'm a cynic, but why do I still think things would've happened faster if all those kids had long blond hair and lovely blue eyes?

And if it's taken six months just to reunite the families, how long will it take the Federal Government to finally re-house all the poor black families who lost their homes in the hurricane, and rebuild the infrastructure of New Orleans rather than the tourist traps?

Ooh, I'm such a cynic.

Capita Boss Quits

2006-03-23T20:39:00.000Z

Rod Aldridge, boss of the IT outsourcing megacorp, Capita, has resigned following the publicity over his £1million loan to the Labour Party.

Lord Aldridge, sorry, my mistake, Mr Aldridge, told the BBC:
"At present, the group's reputation is being questioned because of my personal decision to lend money to the Labour Party. As I have made clear, this was entirely my own decision as an individual, made in good faith as a long-standing supporter of the party.
"There have been suggestions that this loan has resulted in the group being awarded government contracts. This is entirely spurious," he said. "Whilst anyone who is associated with the public procurement process would understand that this view has no credibility, I do not want this misconception to continue, as I remain passionate about the group's wellbeing."

I would like to offer my own apology to Mr Aldridge for even thinking that there was any link between his wallet and Tony Blair's list of free 'Lordships'. I realise now that the whole affair is just an incredible, amazing coincidence of the type normally seen only on science fiction shows, and that I shouldn't let my cynicism ruin my perspective. No sir.

Iraqi Hostages Freed

2006-03-23T20:30:00.000Z

In some of the first good news to emerge from Iraq in oh, three years or so, last night's rescue/release of the British hostage Norman Kember, and Canadians James Loney and Harmeet Singh Sooden.

Despite certain British newspapers describing the mission as 'textbook SAS' work, it appears that the kidnappers weren't even around anymore. No shots were fired, and the multinational force strolled in and strolled back out with the hostages. The raid was made possible after US forces captured two men on Wednesday night. One of the suspects had the information which led officials to the Baghdad house where the hostages were four months into their ordeal.

"We got that information at 0800 (0500 GMT) this morning and we conducted the operation," Maj Gen Rick Lynch told the BBC.

Sadly, the rescue came weeks too late for US hostage, Tom Fox, who was murdered by the kidnappers earlier this month.

Interestingly, Major General Rick Lynch described the gang as: "a kidnapping cell that has been robust over the last several months in conducting these kind of kidnappings". In a phone call to a friend, James Loney described them as a 'criminal gang' rather than terrorists. Nice to see spin is still in full effect in Baghdad.

Germans are Stoopid. Official!

2006-03-23T14:35:00.000Z

Yes, if you want to outfox a German, why not try blatant counterfitting? German police are warning retailers that the certain areas are awash with funny money. The fake Euro notes couldn't be more obvious, really, since they're covered with pictures of men and women without any pants on! The horror!

Better still, they're in financial increments which don't even exist as Euros. The 300, 600 and 1000 Euro notes (pictured) have already caused problems for the local police (I bet they have nice uniforms, just like those ones in the late 1930s) police say they are being passed off as the real thing.

Cologne newsagent Bernd Friedhelm, 33, accepted one of the fake 600 euro notes from an unknown customer who bought two cartons of cigarettes and walked off with 534 euros in change. Friedhelm said: "He told me it was a new type of note and I just figured I hadn't seen one before."

A spokesman for the Cologne police told Ananova: "You can tell straight away by looking at it that it's fake. "There aren't even any 600 euro notes anyway. But anyone trying to pass it off as real, even as a joke, faces prosecution." Where would we be without that whacky German sense of humour, eh?!

I plan on releasing my own Mastur(bate) Card featuring a photo of my turgid manhood. Obviously, the card will be pocket sized.

Dog Eat Dog

2006-03-22T20:42:00.000Z

There's so much political chicanery going on in the UK right now. It depresses me. We have Tony Blair and the secret political loans which effectively paid for the Labour Party campaign last year. Then we find out that of the 12 secret investors (who have now been named and shamed by the Press), the first four were all in line for peerages. And the government expects us to think that's just a coincidence? Yeah, right. I'm sure the conversations didn't go anything like this:

Mr Moneybags: "So if I loan you eleventeeen million pounds at commercial rates, what's in it for me?"
Tony Blair: "Well, we certainly can't make you Lord Moneybags just because of that. No sir. However, I wouldn't be too surprised if you were Lord Moneybags in a staggering coincidence shortly after you loan us the cash."
Mr Moneybags puts hands together, steeples fingers: "Excellent."

No, I'm sure there was nothing corrupt or sleazy about that at all.
Let's take the case of Capita, the UK's leading support services company. These guys run just about everything for us, from London's Congestion Charge through to pensions, insurance services... the works. They're our Halliburton, if you like. These guys are unbelievable. Capita made - get this - £718 Million from the government last year. And the boss of Capita gave the Labour Party a cool £1million and said it was a purely personal decision. Well, no shit, Sherlock. If anyone out there wants to help me earn £718million, I'll happily give them a spare million as a personal gesture. Amazing. People never fail to disappoint me!

So with all that going on, I'm going to try and avoid mentioning it (damn! Too late!). Have you heard about the new restaurant in China? As reported here, a new eatery has opened in Shanghai called The Paradise Pet Club, where pet owners and their animals can eat together. Public health has been an issue: Gu Zhenhua, director of the Shanghai Food and Drug Administration Bureau, said: "There is no law forbidding pets from eating with their owners. But I don't think it's appropriate for pets and their owners to eat at the same table in public."
However, Liu Xiaomei, the general manager of the club, said: "Public health is certainly a big concern for us. We disinfect our dishes three times everyday. And all the members are asked to provide a health certificate for their pets before entering the club."

Hey, I get freaked out enough at the thought of the cook spitting in my dinner, but stepping around little brown presents to get to my table? Nah. Besides, most restaurants in the West have their own pets in the kitchen. Rats, roaches... you name it!

Labour's Secret Millions

2006-03-17T22:41:00.000Z

Tony Blair is again in the headlines today, thanks to the news that the Labour party were secretly loaned almost £14million pounds in the run-up to the last general election.

The money was loaned by private individuals and constituency associations. The financial breakdown is this:

£9,021,000 from private individuals at commercial lending rates
£4,316,000 from constituency assocs., interest free

The news comes as the government appoints an ex-civil servant to chair cross-party talks on the future of political party funding. The secret loans mean that we'll never find out just who loaned how much to Labour, but in a week where the newspapers have reported on Labour donors being lined up for seats in the House of Lords, it's yet another indictment against Tony Blair and his shifty, sleazy bunch. It really is quite ironic that Labour spent so much time under the Conservative government, whining and moaning about how sleazy the Conservatives were. Nice to have yet more confirmation that Labour are no better at all. And they are sneaky, believe me. The reasoning is this: if you donate more than £5000 to a political party, the party has to declare it. If you loan them more than £5000, you can retain your anonymity.

The BBC said:
On Thursday Tony Blair pledged to review the party funding system after it emerged even Labour's treasurer Jack Dromey had not been told about the loans - something the prime minister admitted was wrong.

He also admitted he had not told the Lords appointment committee three of his candidates for working peerages had given the party loans.

Probably just slipped his mind. After all, he's the Prime Minister. He's a busy man. He's got to be on standby, 24 hours a day, in case Mr Bush telephones...

Exercise in Irony

2006-03-17T21:40:00.000Z

I'm feeling quite mellow today. There's so much to rail against in the world, but I can't be bothered. Instead, I thought you might enjoy this little tale from Ananova:

Two founders of the cryonics movement - whose members are frozen after death - have been cremated after a freezer mishap.

The bodies of Raymond Martinot and his wife Monique were stored in a freezer in the hope modern science could one day revive them. But, 22 years after his mother's body was put into cold storage, their son discovered the freezer unit had broken down, reports the Guardian.

Rémy Martinot said he had no choice but to cremate his parents' bodies after the technical fault had seen their temperatures rise above the constant level required of -65C. "I don't feel any more bereaved today than I did when my parents died, I had already done my grieving," he said.

"But I feel bitter that I could not respect my father's last wishes. Maybe the future would have shown that my father was right and that he was a pioneer." Raymond Martinot spent decades preparing for his demise in the belief that if he was frozen scientists would be able to bring him back to life by 2050.

But his wife, Monique Leroy, died first, in 1984, and was the first to enter the freezer unit in their Loire Valley chateau. In 2002 Dr Martinot died of a stroke, aged 84, and his son followed his orders to inject him with the same anti-coagulants and store him alongside.

Patty Fatty Tum Tum

2006-03-16T22:45:00.000Z

I love Americans. I love their boundless enthusiasm, their capacity to hate foreign countries that most of them couldn't find on a map, and above all, perversely, the fact that they tend to be amongst the friendliest people I've met on my travels.

Seriously. An American will always talk to you. Whether you're in the mood or not. I know, I'm sorry, but I can't keep my sarcasm in check sometimes. But I actually do (unlike so many people) like Americans. Well, apart from a pretty wide swathe of the country which is normally referred to as the Bible Belt. Ironic, really, in that they're such a Godless, unChristian bunch down there.

But sometimes, Americans can take things too far. I keep harking on about my posting about obesity in the USA, and the fact that 73 per cent of American adults could be obese by 2008. So please allow me a rather hefty, WTF?! over the news that Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, has created the world's largest burger, pictured.

The 15lb orgy of artery-chokin' goodness costs the equivalent of £25 and, according to Ananova:

Diners who can finish the £25 burger in under five hours win £200, a T-shirt and have their name posted on the pub's wall of fame. They also get the burger for free.

"Every restaurant needs a gimmick - ours is big burgers," said Dennis Liegey III, son of the restaurant's owner. Visitors come from as far away as Australia and California just to see the 6-pounders and try to eat them.

The new burger, dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, is as big around as the inside of a car tyre. It comes with a cup and half each of mayonnaise, mustard and ketchup, a head of lettuce, two onions, three tomatoes and 25 slices of cheese.

200 bucks, a t-shirt (XXXtra large, presumably) and your name on the pub wall? For eating five-hour old, cold burger? How about a team of paramedics, a stomach pump and a set of brand new arteries? Yes, I'll take those. Oh, and hold the 25 slices of cheese, would you?

Please, America, get a grip!

Patriotism: It's in the DNA!

2006-03-16T22:13:00.000Z

According to this story, American scientists have created what is reckoned to be the smallest map of the Americas ever. Using strands of DNA, a team of scientists have managed to create a map measuring just a few hundred nanometres across, making it smaller than some bacteria.

Scientist Paul Rothemund (who also created the image which accompanies this piece), of the California Institute of Technology and his colleagues, detail the work in this month's issue of Nature magazine. According to them, the same technique used to create the teeny weeny map could also find applications in the emerging field of nanotechnology. Although if you've even glanced at a science fiction novel in the last 10 years, it could also spell out the end of the world. Or something. Maybe. But probably not. What do I know? What I do know is that Mr Rothemund looks frighteningly young to be crashing around in someone's DNA, which is a clear sign that I am indeed a lot older than I think. It used to be that when you thought policemen were getting younger, it meant you were getting old. Now it's DNA whizz-kids who show you how old you are.

Still, on the plus side, the more patriotic of you out there can probably look forward to even having your cells yell: "USA! USA! USA!" in an over-bearing voice at public events.

Three Charged over UK Cartoon Demos

2006-03-15T22:11:00.000Z

According to news reports today, three men have been charged over their alleged roles in protests against cartoons which insulted the Prophet Muhammad.

The BBC reported that Uman Javed, 26, from Birmingham, was charged with stirring up racial hatred and soliciting murder. He will appear in court this Thursday. Abdul Rahman Saleem, 31, from London, was charged with using words likely to stir up racial hatred. Omar Zaheer, 26, also from London, has been charged with racially aggravated disorderly behavior (my, don't we have a law for just about everything here in the UK?). Both were bailed and are due to appear in court on March 31st. A further two men were bailed to return to appear before police in April, "pending investigations into material recovered in searches today", Scotland Yard stated.

Naturally, the news report leaves that bit open-ended, so we're just left to assume that it's somehow terror-related. The question of why it took Scotland Yard quite so long to bring charges against any of the demonstrators is, of course, not answered.

Communist leader Blames Bird Flu on USA

2006-03-15T21:26:00.000Z

This is such a great story! From Interfax.ru

MOSCOW. March 14 (Interfax) - Russian Communist party leader Gennady Zyuganov has blamed the United States for the spread of avian influenza, or bird flu, in a number of European countries, including Russia.

"The forms of warfare are changing. It's strange that not a single duck has yet died in America - they are all dying in Russia and European countries. This makes one seriously wonder why," Zyuganov said at a press conference at the Interfax main office on Tuesday.

Zyuganov said that he has good knowledge of war gases as he dealt with them during his army service. "I tested all kinds of war gases at a range myself," he said.

Asked to be more precise as to whether he believes the bird flu outbreak could be a deliberate attack by the U.S., Zyuganov answered positively. "I not only suggest this, I know very well how this can be arranged. There is nothing strange here," he said.

How funny is that? Okay, so I'm not an expert ornithologist, but I'd reckon the odds of uninfected European ducks making it across the Atlantic Ocean as being pretty slim. Unless they were sitting on the prow of a boat, Kate Winslett style. As for infected ducks? Nah, they'd stop flying the minute they saw a duck pharmacy. Still, that's no reason not to blame America. You bastards! You conniving, bird-flu creating bastards!

Shame on Britain Pt. 2

2006-03-14T22:37:00.000Z

In another incredible move aimed at reinforcing Britain's place in the hearts of Palestinians and Arabs everywhere, today's removal of monitors from a West Bank jail has done the UK proud.

Within seconds of British and US monitors leaving the prison, following concerns over lax security there, the Israeli army moved in with tanks and armoured bulldozers. The Palestinian prisoners were immediately re-arrested, save for a small group who decided to fight it out. A short seige ensued, and then the Israeli's prize, Ahmed Saadat, was captured alive.

Saadat, militant leader of the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, had been in Palestinian custody since 2002. He is believed by Israel to be responsible for the killing of Israeli Tourism Minister, Rehavam Zeevi in 2001. He will be put on trial along with four other militants, according to Israeli officials.

Civil unrest immediately broke out across the Palestinian territories after the raid began, much of it directed against Western civilians. Thousands of Palestinians led by dozens of gunmen firing in the air marched through the streets of Gaza City into the evening.

Palestinian police ferried convoys of foreigners out of the Gaza Strip. A crossing with Egypt was closed for the day after EU monitors were evacuated over fears for their safety.

In Tuesday's incidents:

* At least seven foreign aid workers and teachers were kidnapped, some of whom were later released

* A Palestinian gunman was shot dead by security forces during the abduction of two French citizens and a Korean from outside a hotel in the centre of Gaza City

* A Swiss national who works for the International Committee of the Red Cross was seized by gunmen at his office in Gaza

* Gunmen set fire to a British Council cultural centre in Gaza City, among other violent attacks on UK-owned property

Today's move by the British government is a cock-up which now leaves Britain and its Foreign Minister, Jack Straw, severely isolated in the Middle East. As far as the Arab world is concerned, any doubts that we were just at the beck and call of the USA and Israel have now been cleared up.

Whether Saadat is guilty of the charge of killing Mr Zeevi is not what concerns me. Clearly, he'll now go on trial in Israel. What does concern me is the way the British government seems so willing to capitulate to the desires of its allies, and the fact that we continue to isolate ourselves as far as the international community is concerned. Perhaps Jack Straw could have done more to allay the concerns of our monitors, rather than just pull them out and give Israel the green light to plough into Palestine again.

After all, Palestine and Israel as they currently exist are the fault of Britain, the UN and the USA. Don't believe me? Look at your history books, circa 1948.

(Source: BBC News)

George Orwell Versus the CIA!

2006-03-14T22:28:00.000Z

From Think Progress:

Animated Version of ‘Animal Farm’ With Altered Ending Among Films Produced by the CIA

The Memory Hole has acquired a list of films that were produced or used by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Among the films on the list is a 1955 animated version of George Orwell’s “Animal Farm,” with its “chilling finale in which the farm animals looked back and forth at the tyrannical pigs and the exploitative human farmers but found it ‘impossible to say which was which.’”

[The original] ending was altered in the 1955 animated version, which removed the humans, leaving only the nasty pigs. … The C.I.A., it seems, was worried that the public might be too influenced by Orwell’s pox-on-both-their-houses critique of the capitalist humans and Communist pigs. So after his death in 1950, agents were dispatched (by none other than E. Howard Hunt, later of Watergate fame) to buy the film rights to “Animal Farm” from his widow to make its message more overtly anti-Communist.

Some other notable films in the CIA’s library:

Brainwashing
Spying for Uncle Sam, Part I
Why Man Creates
How Free Should the Press Be?
CBS Reports: UFO: Friend, Foe or Fancy?
Mickey Mouse Cartoon-Squatter’s Rights
I Am a Soldier
Holograms — The First True 3-D Picture
Man and the Sea
Unidentified Flying Objects
Eye in the Sky
It Works, and That’s the Key
Operation Underground Network
He is a Mad Man
Rise of Labor Unions/Employee/Management
Hovercraft
Our Election Day Illusion/The Best Majority
Kidnap Executive Style

I can't help but notice a couple of UFO movies in there. What'd the CIA do? Pretend UFOs don't exist? Was Roswell a fake? Did we land on the Moon? Oh, I'm all confused! I don't know what to believe any more! Waaaah! Darn those sneaky spies for ruining Mickey Mouse!

Shame on Britain Pt. 1

2006-03-14T22:03:00.000Z

As most people in the UK know, relatives and victims of the July 2005 bombings in London are in line for financial support from a special fund set up for that purpose. And I naturally assumed that the same thing would be the case for victims of international terrorism. You know, British tourists who, through no fault of their own, had been caught up in terrorist events in a foreign country.

How wrong was I?

It's not something I'd ever really given much thought to; I just assumed that survivors and relatives would be financially taken care of. But apparently not.

A programme called 'Real Story' on BBC One last night gave me an insight into just how criminally dumb the government is. Like I needed a reminder.

Incidents which take place overseas are not covered by the British Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority, and predictably, most insurance companies have clauses which mean they don't have to pay out for terrorist attacks. The programme charted the misery endured by survivors of the suicide bombings in Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt, in July 2005.

Trevor Lakin, whose son, Jeremy, was murdered in the attack (and let's not beat around the bush, he didn't die, he was murdered), talked of his contact with other families who were trying to cope financially. "One family, the Salvation Army had paid for the funeral because they literally did not have the funds," he told the programme.

Lakin then went on to tell how he had received a letter from the British authorities recommending that he "sue the perpetrators". He was stunned: how on Earth do you sue a suicide bomber? "The government said to sue the perpetrators, but you know you just can't go off and sue suicide bombers, can you? It's stupid."

Since the 9/11 attacks of 2001, 45 British travellers have been killed in terrorist attacks, and many others injured. Toni Punshon, her partner Mickey and their family were passengers in a minibus blown up in the Turkish resort of Kusadasi last July. Toni's niece Helyn was killed in the explosion. The rest of the family sustained serious injuries including a fractured skull, punctured lungs and shrapnel damage.

Mickey told the current affairs programme that they had spent their life savings as a result of the atrocity: "We don't even get our prescriptions paid for. "The dressings for my leg, this has to be dressed every day [and] I have to pay for those dressings. We've got to pay for all our medication."

Fiona McTaggart, a Home Office minister, told the programme: "The person who is responsible for this dreadful and criminal act is the criminal, it isn't the state in which it occurs or the British state."

Talk about the World's Best Get-Out Clause. How sick and perverse is this government? An attitude which basically says, well, if it had happened to you on your way to an airport in Britain, then hey, have a pile of cash. But if it happens away from Britain, tough shit. You're getting nothing. Why don't you track down the families of the bombers, who doubtless have no money at all, and sue them in their home country? Yes, that's a good idea.

Shame on you, Britain. Shame on you, Tony Blair. You're a sick man in charge of a sick little government. And to think that we used to call Margaret Thatcher heartless. It's pitiful, isn't it?

(Sources: Real Story, BBC One; Scotsman.com)

Pat Robertson, RIP

2006-03-14T20:32:00.000Z

Okay, so perhaps I'm being premature, but it can surely only be a matter of time before Pat Robertson, the "Christian" evengelist, becomes the subject of a fatwa from Islamic fundamentalists. And remember, you can't have fundamentalism without having fun...

Robertson used his insightful, balanced 700 Club TV programme to launch an attack on Islam, denouncing the religion and stating that: "Islam is not a religion of peace", and "the goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen whether you like it or not, is world domination".

He also merrily suggested that fundamentalist Islamists were, "…crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with".

Robertson has come under intense criticism for recent comments. He suggested that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez , and said the stroke that left Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon in a coma was God's punishment for Israel's withdrawal from the Gaza Strip.

Nothing like throwing a big bucket of flaming petrol onto a hearty fire, is there? With Christians like that, who needs Islamic fundamentalists?

(Source: Here)

Builders Plan to Ban Cats from Homes

2006-03-13T21:43:00.000Z

According to a report here,
A ban on homeowners having cats is being proposed amid fears the pets could pose a threat to rare birds. Developer George Wimpey has suggested the ban in an attempt to win approval for a 27-apartment scheme in Berkshire.

The site of the development, in Crowthorne, lies close to the Thames Basin Heaths area, a protected home to rare ground-nesting birds. The developer has vowed to legally bind homebuyers to the ban but English Nature still objects to the scheme.

The conservationists believe the scheme would have an adverse impact on the heathland, which is a Special Protection Area (SPA) under EU law.

As a bird lover (we had a Greater Spotted Woodpecker on our peanut feeder last week, so there) and a cat lover, I think I may have a solution to this one: don't build any houses there!

Seriously, we have so many brownfield sites ripe for housing developments that building on a greenfield site near a Special Protection Area makes no sense whatsoever. What we do have, however, is a developer that wants to build luxury homes for wealthy people in a nice setting, not affordable housing in a city which could be used by hospital workers or anyone else involved in the genuine infrastructure of a city. Hell, screw those idiots. They don't have the sort of money necessary to buy a flashy apartment overlooking the Thames Basin Heaths! Let's just ban cats. Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

Stop building new luxury houses in stupid locations and get back to building affordable homes in the areas they're needed.

If I wasn't so calm and controlled, I'd be swearing right now. So please feel free to do so in the Comments section on my behalf. I have to retain some sense of decorum, don't you know.

Travel Cards, ID Cards & the Police

2006-03-13T21:22:00.000Z

I think I've already set out my thoughts on ID cards in the UK, but if anyone out there thought ID cards would be a good plan, look at what's already happening with 'Oyster' cards.

London residents have been able to use Oyster cards to access the London Underground (as well as certain trains and local bus services) for the last couple of years. Rather than buy a ticket on the day, or even slide your ticket into a slot on the turnstyle, with an Oyster card you can just press it on to a sensor and the gages open. It's a neat system, and London Underground have been pushing it as a payment option heavily since its inception.

But now it's apparent that the police are making greater and greater use of the information supplied by Oyster cards. Around five million Londoners use Oyster cards, and the cards themselves store the user's travel data for eight weeks. In January alone, the Metropolitan Police requested journey information 61 times, as opposed to just seven times for the whole of 2004!

According to this story:
Police say they only use the cards if they have good reason, and Transport for London says information is not passed on to a third party for commercial reasons. Charles Monheim, from TfL, told BBC London: "Big Brother is not watching you. We collect journey data so we can provide customer service and answer customer queries.

"A by-product of that is that the data is on record if the police seek records in individual cases, but we only provide that data in response to a written request from the police that is then reviewed on a case by case basis."

But Heather Brooke, from Privacy International, said: "I think it's outrageous. Londoners are already the most watched people on earth.

"If the police can't conduct effective investigations with a CCTV camera on every corner, then that's really indicative of a more serious problem with police investigations."

Now, the scope for abuse here is clearly huge. You can borrow someone's Oyster card, steal one... whatever. Oyster cards are 'ID-dumb', in that there's nothing to really tie them to the owner. Anyone could use yours and you'd only find out when your credit ran out. And that's assuming that criminals aren't already cloning them, and I imagine they are.

If the police are playing with the info they get from this, just how much fun will they have when they combine that with CCTV networks and a nation carrying ID cards? No-one will be truly free ever again, and the notion of the individual will be gone in the UK. We'll simply be extensions of the State, with our personal information, financial details and DNA all stored on a central server, ripe and ready for hackers.

Judge Interrupts Moussaoui Trial

2006-03-13T21:07:00.000Z

Sometimes America amazes me. Let's look at the facts: a self-confessed member of al-qaeda, on trial in connection with the attacks on 9/11. A mass of evidence, statements and testimony and still the US government manages to screw the whole process up.

Today, Judge Leonie Brinkema stopped court proceedings following yet another screw up by the US government's prosecution team. Last week, the defense team called for a mistrial following a dodgy line of questioning by the prosecution. Now they're asking for the death penalty to be removed as an option for the prosecution (the government want to fry Moussaoui, the defense want him to rot in jail).

The BBC reported:

Judge Brinkema said she had been advised by the prosecution that a lawyer for the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) had breached her rule that no witness should hear trial testimony in advance. The lawyer had read a transcript of the first day of the trial and discussed some of the testimony with four potential witnesses, Judge Brinkema said.

"In all the years I've been on the bench, I've never seen such an egregious violation of the court's rule on witnesses," she told the trial in Virginia, now into its second week. Prosecutor David Novak said the FAA lawyer "should have known it was wrong".

The defence immediately filed a motion for the death penalty to be dismissed as a possible sentence. Defence lawyer Edward MacMahon said: "We are not going to get a fair trial". The defence called for a mistrial last week after Judge Brinkema pulled up the prosecution over a line of questioning.

"This is the second significant error by the government affecting the constitutional rights of this defendant," Judge Brinkema said on Monday. "More importantly, it affects the integrity of the criminal justice system of the United States."

The prosecution are seeking to prove that Moussaoui knew about the 9/11 plot and kept deliberately silent while he was being held in US detention. The 37-year-old Frenchman of Moroccan origin was arrested shortly before the attacks on New York and Washington after arousing suspicion at a flying school.

He initially told federal agents he was training as a pilot only for personal enjoyment. A self-confessed member of al-Qaeda, Moussaoui has said he was not meant to be part of the 9/11 attacks, but was part of a broader conspiracy to use airplanes to strike the White House.

The sentencing trial is expected to last up to three months.

Obviously, I have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever with Moussaoui: he deserves whatever the courts can throw at him, but really, you do have to question the competence of the prosecution in this one. Do I think he should get the death penalty? Hmm. That's always a tricky one. If he dies, Islamic extremists will make him a martyr. If he has to rot in a cramped prison cell for the rest of his life, well, hell, I think that would be a fitting punishment. After all, shower time for Moussaoui is not going to be the best part of his day. And as for meal time... would you want to eat anything prepared especially for him? Thought not!

Watching the Detectives

2006-03-13T20:47:00.000Z

Am I alone in not being at all surprised that Britain's top police officer, Metropolitan Police Chief, Sir Ian Blair, secretly recorded his conversations with people?

The papers seem up in arms that Blair should record a conversation with the UK's Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, without Goldsmith's knowledge. My only question here is, "Why not?"

Let's face it, Sir Ian has been under fire since the London bombings and the tragic shoot to kill policy that went so very wrong. However, Sir Ian wasn't the one with his finger on the trigger, but he's being made to look like the fall guy. If I was in his shoes, dealing with a deeply duplicitous government, I'd go to any lengths I could to cover my back. I'd want everything in writing, and yes, I'd tape conversations if I thought that doing so would afford me some sort of protection in the future. But then, I'm not a very trusting guy. I used to be, but then an employer tried to take advantage of me and we ended up in court. If I'd been as smart as Sir Ian, I would have walked away with considerably more money than I did.

Unfortunately for Sir Ian, it looks like he's going to be a fall guy anyway. How typical of Tony Blair's current regime: if something goes horribly wrong, don't attack the root cause, just get rid of the figurehead and pretend everything's okay. I don't necessarily condone any of Sir Ian Blair's decisions as Met Chief, but I can't blame him for trying to cover himself.

For more on this story, go here.

Venezuela & Migraines

2006-03-12T18:12:00.000Z

My friend Marc's thoughts on Venezuela and migraines:

It is amazing what is happening over here now with Venezuala, they have become the official new boogeyman for the right wing. It is like that book 1984; one day, enemy, next day ally! The right wing, Bush, and the kissass media is now making Chavez the new THING TO HATE. It is so obvious, so predictable, so painfully transparent, just as we did with Saddam and others, yet – WE ARE GOING FOR THE BAIT ONCE AGAIN!

Rumsfield yesterday compared Chavez to Hitler. Can you imagine? The level of political discourse here is so sophmoric I really cant stand it. I actually went to the doctor last week because I was getting migraine headaches.

"Democracy!!! We must bring democracy to the world!!!" Oh, Chavez was elected democratically, so was Hamas, oh , er oops, okay, FORGET about democracy, now Chavez is like Hitler!!! Thats it!!! Left and right here all day on TV and radio we are now hearing that Chavez is our greatest threat to the US.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? What is he going to do, withhold a few of his beauty contestant queens from the annual show? Unf*cking real. Unf*cking real, and the US people go for this bullshit, again and again and again. Boogeyman of the month, LET'S GET HIM! Read the book "Rogue State" by Blum. It's not a book of really heavy duty insight of any type, but a good factual chronology of all the shit the US has pulled in the world over the past 75 years. talk about "evil."

Fetch me a Switch, Junior!

2006-03-12T17:46:00.000Z

In the old days, sending a kid out for a switch was, I believe, a harmless American parenting pastime. Your child came back with a suitable length of stick, and you administered an 'ass whupping' until the child came to its senses.

Obviously, these days you now have to negotiate with your children until they understand that what they had done was clearly wrong. And obviously, that works really, really well.

So excuse me if I suggest that fetching a switch should come back into fashion, particularly for the human toe scrapings at the heart of this story. Sorry, I should point out that said human toe scrapings call themselves 'Chritians' as well.

From BreitBart.com:
Five women sang and danced as they held up signs saying "thank God for dead soldiers" at the funeral of an army sergeant who was killed by an Iraqi bomb. For them, it was the perfect way to spread God's word: America was being punished for tolerating homosexuality.

For the hundreds of flag waving bikers who came to this small town in Michigan Saturday to shield the soldier's family, it was disgusting. "That could be me in that church," said Jackie Sandler whose son Keith is currently serving his second tour of duty in Iraq.

The fringe group of fire and brimstone Baptists from Kansas has been courting controversy for more than 15 years, traveling the country with their hateful signs and slogans. The Westboro Baptist Church first gained national notoriety when they picked the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a Wyoming student who was murdered in 1998 for being gay.

They have since picketed the funerals of Frank Sinatra and Bill Clinton's mother, celebrated the terrorist attacks of September 11 as an act of God's wrath, and have even targeted Santa Claus and the Ku Klux Klan.

But it was the callousness and cruelty of harassing the grieving families of soldiers at dozens of funerals across the country that has sparked a grassroots movement of bikers determined to drown out the jeers and taunts.

In Flushing, Michigan they turned their leather-clad backs to the five women and held flags and tarps up so that mourners walking past wouldn't see the signs saying "God hates fags," "fag vets" and "America is doomed."

Many found it hard to hide their anger when Margie Phelps, the daughter of Westboro's founder, called out "All this for little old us? Oh, you shouldn't have. I feel so special," before she started singing "the Pope, the Pope, the Pope is on fire. He don't get no water let the heretics burn" in front of a Catholic church.

The glee with which the women hurled insults made John Franklin, 64, sick to his stomach.

"This guy's family deserves a peaceful funeral. It's not right what they're doing," said Franklin, who fought in the Vietnam War. "The only reason they're able to walk around like that is because the veterans fought for their freedom."

While Westboro's congregation remains stable at around 100 people - most of whom are the extended family of founder Fred Phelps - the ranks of the Patriot Guard Riders has swelled to more than 16,000 in just a few months.

The protests come at a time when many Americans think the war in Iraq was a mistake but are anxious to show their support for the troops.

Four states have enacted legislation barring protests at funerals and a dozen more are in the process of introducing bans. But it is unlikely that the bans will stand up to legal challenge.

The group is careful to protest in public spaces and is well aware of its constitutional rights - 11 of Phelps' 13 children are lawyers.

"This nation is poised to trash the first amendment just to stop my preaching," Fred Phelps said in a telephone interview. "I'm kind of honored."

Phelps said he and his congregants are targeting the funerals because God's way of punishing an "evil nation" of "fags and fag enablers" is to "pick off its children."

"I don't have any sympathy for these parents. They're all going to hell," Phelps said. "The family's in pain because they haven't obeyed the Lord God."

The group is so outrageous that some among the extreme-right have speculated that Phelps is a plant aimed at giving the anti-gay movement a bad name, said Mark Potok, the director of the intelligence project at the Southern Poverty Law Center which tracks hate crimes.

"I don't think they have any constituency beyond their own members - even the Nazis aren't interested," he said.

Phelps' virulence and frequently graphic condemnations of anal sex could mask a deeper issue than a radically literal interpretation of the Bible, Potok speculated.

"This man probably thinks more about gay sex than any other person in the United States of America and one can only guess at what that means," he said. "Many of the most homophobic people are deeply afraid that they might be gay."

Now, as I've said before, I'm totally in favour of free speech. I just think it should be used with a little common sense and thought. Clearly, this particular bunch of 'Baptists' think otherwise. Feel free to give them a good stick beating on my behalf. Just what God do they think would approve of their behaviour? For crying out loud, when will human beings get the whole religion thing? I mean, if there is a God, then let him be the final Judge!

Why get so enraged over homosexuality when there are so many other things to concern yourself with? Inner city poverty, race hatred, the environment? I'm not gay myself (not that there's anything wrong with that, as Seinfeld would say), but I think that if I was going to go to the trouble of organising a hate group, I'd try and find something a little more, I dunno, worthy of hate, before I went after it. Oh, and I'd try and avoid doing it at someone's funeral as well. But maybe I'm just not Godly enough.

Spring is Here, Apparently

2006-03-12T17:39:00.000Z

According to the British Met Office, Spring began at the start of March. So why is half the country under a big pile of snow?

Is it time to dust my motorcycle off, grab the leathers and head out on to those nice, dry roads? Er... maybe not.

Well done, Met Office. Mind you, it is a government agency, so perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised.

Why Does America Hate Venezuela?

2006-03-12T16:57:00.000Z

Over the last couple of months, there have been a lot of press reports over here about the troubled relationship between the US and Venezuela. Condi Rice, the boss of the CIA and Bush have all come out and criticised Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's somewhat flamboyant President.

Washington described Chavez as, "one of the biggest dangers facing Latin America" (Source: BBC News.) The US points to concerns about Venezuela's close relationship with Cuba as a cause for concern. Now, anyone who knows anything about Cuba, and I mean anything at all, can tell you that in Cuba, if it's not rationed and in short supply, the chances are it's called 'sea water'. Cuba is broken. Utterly bereft of anything to worry the US. It's one of the last vestiges of Communism, and it clearly hasn't worked. Castro, Maximum Leader, is a toothless old lion who only terrifies his own population, a population who have to contend with shortages of food, gasoline and personal freedom. Chavez, on the other hand, is a democrat sitting on a shedload of oil.

Is the US government so transparent as to publicly lambast a country as 'an enemy' and ripe for a potential 'democratic invasion' when the rest of us can clearly see it's because Venezuela has a ton of oil under it and a military who'd go belly up a lot more easily than anyone in the Middle East? Apparently.

On the same day that Condi Rice was spitting blood about how evil Chavez is, the BBC also reported that:

A barrel of Venezuelan crude oil is currently worth more than $50 and the country's proven petroleum reserves of around 78bn barrels are in pretty good shape too. So at the current official rate production of 3.3 million barrels a day, Venezuela has a guaranteed supply of 78 years of crude oil.

For the past year or so the government has started spending much of the wealth generated from oil sales on projects abroad. Experts believe that President Chavez has spent some $5bn on energy ventures outside Venezuela - including new or jointly operated oil refineries in Cuba, Uruguay and Brazil.

The driving force behind Venezuela's spending spree is the desire to integrate South America's energy sector, to become more self-sufficient and less dependent on the United States as a trading partner. The Venezuelan government says the overriding goal is economic integration for Latin America.

78 years' worth of crude oil, eh? That's a lot of happy SUV drivers, isn't it? Compare the projected casualty loss for an invasion of Venezuela with the figures you'd get going up against Iran, a far greater military might than Iraq, and it all sort of falls into place, doesn't it?

Venezuela a danger because it's friendly with Cuba? Give me break, Washington. Oh, and today the Chicago Tribune reported this:

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO -- Venezuela's government will give free eye surgery to residents of a poor town on Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula, its mayor said Friday.

Venezuela will pay for Mexican doctors to give initial eye exams in Felipe Carrillo Puerto beginning in April, Mayor Eliseo Bahena said. Patients with the most urgent cases will be flown to Venezuela for surgery.

The effort is one of several by the administration of President Hugo Chavez to help poor people in the hemisphere, including providing cheap oil to some housing projects, homeless shelters and Indian tribal reservations in the United States.

Venezuelan officials claim the help is purely humanitarian, but critics say Chavez, a U.S. detractor, is using the aid to extend his political influence.

Jeez, what kind of bastard is this Chavez? Fixing poor people's eyes? What kind of a sick sonofabitch would do that? Yeah, Condi's right. He's a maniac all right...

Internet Blows CIA Agents' Cover

2006-03-12T16:35:00.000Z

Isn't technology great? It can improve our lives in so many ways, and yet at the same time, mess them up so badly, it's almost beyond comprehension. How annoyed is the CIA that its covert agents' movements and details can apparently be tracked by anyone dumb enough to use a computer? And to think that normally, they'd just worry about double-agents and turncoats. Now any terrorist with half a brain and a stolen credit card can gather intelligence info without leaving their home!

From BBC News:
The Chicago Tribune says it has compiled a list of 2,653 CIA employees, just by searching the internet. The newspaper said it gathered the information from online services that compile public data, that any fee-paying subscriber can access.

It did not publish the names, at the CIA's request. Many of the agents are believed to be covert. The paper also located two dozen "secret" facilities. A CIA spokeswoman admitted the internet had scuppered some of its methods.

"Cover is a complex issue that is more complex in the internet age," said Jennifer Dyck. "There are things that worked previously that no longer work. [CIA Director Porter] Goss is committed to modernising the way the agency does cover in order to protect our officers who are doing dangerous work."

Ms Dyck declined to detail the remedies "since we don't want the bad guys to know what we're fixing". The Chicago Tribune article was headlined: "Internet blows CIA cover."

It began: "She is 52 years old, married, grew up in the Kansas City suburbs and now lives in Virginia, in a new three-bedroom house." It went on to explain that the online service describes the woman in question as a CIA employee who has been assigned to several American embassies in Europe. The CIA confirmed that she was a covert operative.

The paper also identified facilities in Chicago, northern Virginia, Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Utah and Washington state. It said some were heavily guarded, but others appeared outwardly to be private residences.

Asked how so many personal details of CIA employees had found their way into the public domain, a senior US intelligence official told the Tribune, "I don't have a great explanation, quite frankly". Asked about fears that the details might be accessed by terrorist groups, he replied: "I don't know whether al-Qaeda could do this, but the Chinese could."

The disclosure comes as the US justice department continues an investigation into whether members of the Bush administration deliberately exposed the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame.

What I love about this story, of course, is that it highlights how inept security services can be. For all the huffing and puffing about making the world a safer place by denying our everyday freedoms, it's seems that they can't even protect their own operatives. And that really doesn't reassure me in the slightest. Thank heavens Britain isn't run by... oh, yeah. Damn!

Pentagon Admits to Spying on Peace Protesters

2006-03-11T20:27:00.000Z

From Think Progress:

Last December, NBC News obtained a 400-page compilation of reports from the Pentagon that revealed the Defense Department was conducting secret surveillance of peaceful war protesters.

Yesterday, in a hearing before the Senate Appropriations Committee, Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) pressed Rumsfeld about the Pentagon’s so-called TALON surveillance program which had conducted the snooping. Maintained by the Counterintelligence Field Agency (CIFA), the TALON database (short for Threat and Local Observation Notice) is a system that was devised in May 2003 by Paul Wolfowitz to collect “raw information” about “suspicious incidents.”

After nearly three months, three pointed letters, and one high-profile hearing, Leahy finally got the answers he was looking for. In a letter addressed to Leahy from Robert Rogalski, Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Counterintelligence and Security, the Pentagon admits to improperly collecting information on innocent parties:

Remember this the next time the administration argues for more spying power and says “Just Trust Us.”

If you cast your eyes down through this blog, you'll see I've already talked about the potential for the US government to spy on its population and collect data. The same thing's happening in the UK, to a lesser extent.

This massive, general mistrust of your neighbours, friends and colleagues now permeates US politics and reminds me of the anti-Communist paranoia of McCarthyism, and what depresses me the most is that the great American public are allowing this to happen; you're buying into this crap. There have been several great books and documentaries detailing the way governments and media keep the population in check using the power of fear. Ever wondered why your TV news is full of stories about murder, robbery and mayhem? Those are the meaty stories that keep you indoors, worried about letting your kids outside. You're indoors, and the TV companies can then bombard you with advertising and sell you more crap to fill your lives with.

To control a population, and keep dissidents in check, you need the population scared. Too scared to question the controls and laws you put in place, and too scared to vote for the other guy, because those in power don't want to lose their stranglehold on it.

Welcome to the politics of fear, where even your neighbour might be "one of them".

Monk's World of Rage tops 100

2006-03-11T16:03:00.000Z

Wow. Over 100 posts. I never knew I had so much bile and anger in me. No, that's not right. I did always know that. I'm just surprised I've been able to get so much of it out without suffering from some sort of seizure.

Is anyone else reading this crap? I have no idea. Still, it's cathartic, and maybe one day, when I'm long gone, historians will analyse it all and suggest that I wasn't just another fuming, impotent citizen, but that I actually made some salient points.

Probably not, though.

Shoe Alert Shuts Down LaGuardia Airport

2006-03-11T15:48:00.000Z

I travel to the US at least once a year, and never fail to get enraged over airport security there. Example, two years ago in Las Vegas I stood in line over two hours and almost missed my flight. Last year, I flew First Class and walked through security in five minutes with minimal checking.

This time, a passenger set off an explosives detector. But was allowed to continue on his merry freakin' way! A search was launched for him, but officials couldn't say just why he'd been allowed to continue his journey through the airport! Amazing. Just staggeringly incredible!

From BBC News:
Hundreds of people were evacuated from the Delta Airlines terminal and departures temporarily suspended. But incoming flights were allowed to land, said Yolande Clark, a spokeswoman for the federal Transport Security Administration (TSA).

Ms Clark said the man, who had been selected for secondary screening, afterwards "put on his shoes and exited the area". Several hours after the alert was raised, the man had still not been found.

Andrea McCauley, another TSA spokeswoman, added that the screening alarm was sometimes triggered by substances other than explosives, including traces of fertilizer that can be found on the bottom of shoes.

So they never found him? Are you kidding me? I couldn't even sneak a cigarette lighter through McCarron this year (although I saw two other people who had in the smoking area!), and they can't find one guy with explosive traces on his shoes? I'm sorry, but just what are these Security idiots doing at airports? I think we have the answer: a visible deterrent. Not an actual deterrent, just a visual one that might make wavering suicide bombers think twice.

Oh, please. What a bunch of mooks.

US Hostage Murdered in Iraq

2006-03-11T15:36:00.000Z

Sad news from Iraq. Hostage Tom Fox has been found murdered in a Baghdad suburb. Mr Fox, 54, was a peace campaigner who had worked in the country for the last two years, trying to rebuild the shattered lives of its people.

The sheer loss of life in Iraq is awful enough, but when the very people who volunteer to go over and risk their lives to help are murdered by Iraqi extremists, well, it's doubly tragic. It's abundantly clear that there are a number of people in Iraq who simply don't want anyone to be helped. They'd much rather the entire country descended into civil war. As long as there are people with Mr Fox's convictions, there will always be hope.

There is no news on the other four peace campaigners currently being held hostage, but the future now looks bleak.

I have no trite solution to this problem, but applaud the guys who go over without guns and protection. Someone needs to prove to the Middle East that yes, there are people in the West who actually care about them, rather than their mineral resources, regardless of anyone's religious beliefs.

Banishing Bennish

2006-03-11T15:15:00.000Z

I've only come to this story today, courtesy of those fine, balanced news folks at Fox News. Yes, I watched a little of Fox & Friends this morning. I find it helps if I've missed out on any fibre during the week – try it out yourselves. Instead of a strong cup of java to get things moving in the morning, give Fox a go. I promise you'll be running to the bathroom within minutes.

So this teacher, Jay Bennish, did a personal critique of the President's State of the Union address. In it, he apparently compared some of Bush's comments to lines Hitler used in his speeches. One of his students taped him and passed it on to a local radio station. Bennish was suspended on full pay, and today re-instated at his school, thanks to the work of his ACLU lawyer.

And here's where it gets funny. The talking manifestos who present Fox & Friends discussed this one with a certain amount of spittle forming in the corners of their mouths. They talked about teachers they'd had in the 70s who were 'controversial', couching the term 'socialist' or Democrat with the word 'controversial'. I like it. They also suggested that those teachers may have had a political impact on them. Um, excuse me? HOW? You guys are all presenting on Fox now! The most Right wing TV channel in the USA! Oh yeah, those Commies really won you over, didn't they? What are you, Fiftch Columnists?! Idiots. They also questioned whether children should be hearing about politics in school, rather than elsewhere. Yeah, just where is elsewhere? Fox, I guess. Yes, a fair and balanced view. Hmm. I think not.

Then I did a bit of a web search for Bennish, and man alive, are the Anti-Pinko brigade out in force. The sheer venom against this one man out there is amazing. Do a Google search. It's incredible.

So here are my thoughts. As anyone who's read my blog will realise, my politics are fairly fluid. I don't treat it as a football game, where I have to blindly support 'my team' no matter what their decision. That's the beauty of democracy. I can pick and choose what I like and dislike. Example: Labour have done a pretty good job with the UK economy. The Conservatives have some good policies. See? I can give and take. But still believe that neither party can get it right.

So Bennish gave his opinions in his class. A geography class. Okay, not the best forum, and he was seriously ill-advised to present just one side of any political argument. However, politics and their global impact is something that kids do need to be taught if we're ever to make the world a better place. To lionise one man for a mistake, or for the Left to put him on a pedestal is wrong. But so is demanding he be lynched.

There now exists a state in the US, in academia, the media and workplace, where questioning the actions of the US government is virtually ilegal. Clooney felt it and was called a traitor. Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon... just insert a name here why don't you? This blind, slavish loyatly and unquesioning allegiance to a political doctrine is completely insane. Americans, you need to start asking questions, not only of your leaders, but of yourselves. How can you seriously tell the rest of the world that you live in a free country when you virtually tar and feather anyone who has the guts to stand up and suggest that hey, maybe some of the decisions taken on Capitol Hill or the White House aren't good ones.

Come on, America. You used to be a great country. Don't turn into a Capitalist version of the old Soviet Union, because trust me, that's the direction you're currently heading in. Don't believe me? Okay, analyse this: you have security teams who can monitor anything you do if there's even a suggestion you might not be 'American' enough. Your downloads and web searches are monitored. Presumably, there's a hot line where your neighbours can call in and tell the authorities you may have suggested that the US line in the Middle East was wrong... you're on the verge of a police state, whether you believe it or not. After another 10 years of this, the USA will resemble Russia, with the same levels of paranioa. The only difference is that in Russia, they at least knew what was happening. You guys are completely oblivious.

The Violent, Vocal Minority

2006-03-10T13:47:00.000Z

It's weird, isn't it? Most Western countries enjoy the benefits of democracy, yet we are continually told what to do and how to think by a violent, vocal minority. And nowhere is that more evident than in the Pro-Life argument.

Anti-abortion lobbying tends to go hand in hand with religious zeal. Just this morning, the BBCs Radio Four carried interviews with anti-abortion protesters in Mississipi, and not one of them sounded logical or calm enough to carry on a cogent argument about the pros and cons of abortion. They just want it stopped. It's a crime against religion, and who better to judge than they? Well, I'd give God the nod on that one. There are way, way too many peolpe on Earth claiming that they all do God's work, that they're his eyes, ears and hands during their lifetime. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way: live your life the best way you can, do unto others as you would have them do unto you; love thy neighbour; turn the other cheek… read them again, Christians, and this time try and absorb some of them, eh?

Surely God should get the casting vote in all of this? After all, if Tony Blair is willing to leave it to God to ultimately judge him, why doesn't everyone think like that?

The news that Mississipi is taking a good, long look at what happened in South Dakota this week worries me, but they're only the tip of the iceberg. At least 10 more states (Alabama, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri, Ohio, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee and West Virginia) are also considering bans similar to the one enacted in South Dakota, which outlaws abortion in almost all cases.

Some of the states aren't exactly a surprise. The Deep South has always had values so skewed you could open a bottle of wine with them, but Rhode Island and Ohio? Well, that did.

The piece on this morning's Today programme on Radio Four focussed on Mississipi's only remaining abortion clinic. Among those interviewed were one of the doctors, whose life is under constant threat, and some nurses who lived with the constant fear of being murdered either at work or at home by protesters.

Crazy, isn't it, that a violent minority can commit murder or even threaten it and use God as a motive.

America is supposed to be the Land of the Free. It isnt'. It's a long way from that. In the Land of the Free, if your beliefs aren't the same as your peers, you're labelled a traitor or unAmerican. In the Land of the Free, your speech isn't free, and anything you say can and may be used against you by the Federal government, particularly if your phone line's tapped under the Patriot Act. In the Land of the Free, if your economic situation, personal life or mental state means that having a child simply isn't realistic, well, tough shit. If the campaigners have their way, women won't have any say in what happens to their bodies.

It's a fascinating turn of events. Here we are in 2006 with a spiralling global population, not enough natural resources on the planet for the people who are here already, Bush ignores the Kyoto accord on climate change, we're expected to run out of oil within the next 50 years or so, poverty in the USA gets progressively worse each year and Bush wants everyone to have children whether they like it or not?

Excuse me, but could you just stop the planet here? I want to get off.

Britain: Sneaky, Snide Weapons Deals

2006-03-09T23:07:00.000Z

The following story is an edited version of one on the BBC News website:

The UK supplied Israel with quantities of plutonium while Harold Wilson was prime minister, BBC Newsnight can reveal. The sale was made despite a warning from British intelligence that it might "make a material contribution to an Israeli weapons programme". Under Wilson, Britain also sold Israel tons of chemicals used to make boosted atom bombs 20 times more powerful than Hiroshima or even Hydrogen Bombs.

In Harold Macmillan's time the UK supplied uranium 235 and the heavy water which allowed Israel to start up its nuclear weapons production plant at Dimona - heavy water which British intelligence estimated would allow Israel to make "six nuclear weapons a year".

Last August on BBC Newsnight we revealed the first British/Israeli deal, the sale of the heavy water, but the government responded by telling the International Atomic Energy Agency the UK was not a party to any sale to Israel and that all it did was sell some heavy water back to Norway.http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Using Freedom of Information, Newsnight has obtained top secret papers. They show Foreign Minister Kim Howells misled the IAEA and that Britain made not one, but hundreds of secret shipments of nuclear materials to Israel.

Tony Benn, who was Mhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifinister of Technology in 1966, is shocked to learn of the sales
Tony Benn became Minister of Technology in 1966 while the plutonium deal was going through. The nuclear industry was part of his "white heat of technology" brief but no one told him that we were exporting atomic energy materials to Israel.

"I'm not only surprised, I'm shocked," he says, adding that neither he nor his predecessor Frank Cousins, who was a member of CND, agreed to the sales.

Benn says he always suspected civil servants were doing deals behind his back but he never thought they would sell plutonium to Israel. "It never occurred to me they would authorise something so totally against the policy of the government."

For the full story, click here.

I can't say I'm surprised. Such double dealing and sneaking around has been going on for decades, and is so commonplace now, we don't need to wonder whether certain countries have weapons, we just check the invoice books.

Look at the way we've pushed weapons systems and fighters on to Indonesia, for example, or the way we helped Saddam out when he was fighting Iran. Ain't life grand?!

Two More Charged Under Terror Act

2006-03-09T22:33:00.000Z

According to the BBC News website, another two teenagers have been charged with terrorist offences. Aitaz Zafar aged 18, and Usman Malik, 19, both from Bradford in Yorkshire, have been charged under Section 58 of the Terrorism Act, Scotland Yard said.

Both men are accused of possessing a record of information likely to be useful to a terrorist, and will appear in court tomorrow (Friday). On Thursday, two 18-year-old students were remanded in custody on similar charges.

Clearly, these charges relate to the arrest of four young men in Bradford last week, as I reported here. However, what is interesting is the phrasing of the charges. Just what is 'a record of information likely to be useful to a terrorist'? Let's face it, that sort of wording could cover just about anything on the planet: a train timetable; a map featuring an airport… we needn't actually be talking about blueprints for bombs or 'How To Field Strip an AK-47' manuals.

There is a need to investigate this kind of thing, sure, but let's have a little more clarity over the actual alleged crimes. That way, the really cynical people like me will have a bit more faith in the system as it stands.

Pete Doherty: Pointless Waste of Blood?

2006-03-09T22:10:00.000Z

Well, I think so. For the uninformed outside this sceptic isle, Mr Doherty is allegedly a 'singer' with the band, Babyshambles. His fame stems more from his relationship with model and big fan of Colombian exports, Kate Moss.

Doherty's performance at last year's Live 8 gig was remarkable in its utter crapness, lack of apparent talent, weak, reedy vocals and whacked-out, stoner dancing.

Since then, Doherty has racked up more court appearances than the prosecution in Saddam's trial. But unlike Saddam, Doherty still walks free.

Today he was in court yet again, to be told that his next case had to be postponed because the prosecution wasn't ready. This time, Doherty is answering charges that in December 2005 he was in possession of:

Heroin
Crack Cocaine
Cannabis Resin
Cannabis leaf

He's also accused of carrying the following drugs in January this year:

Heroin
Crack Cocaine
Cannabis

Are we seeing a pattern here? Only yesterday, Doherty was in court to have his 12-month supervision order extended. The order was imposed on him in February, when he was sentenced for seven other counts of possessing controlled drugs.

This little waste of organs and blood, this shoddy, snotty little talentless, whiney poseur has not spent any time in jail. Can you honestly tell me that if I was busted under the same circumstances, that I wouldn't currently be trading my sweet little ass on D-Wing with a guy named Razor? Can you?

Of course you can't. I thought we lived in an era where celebrities were supposed to be role models. If our courts felt the same way, they should send the little wanker down for a serious amount of jail time. And on the plus side, in jail he could probably get hold of some much better drugs. And now, an appeal:

Are you a drug dealer? Do you have access to incredibly strong, illegal drugs? If you do, please give as many as possible to Pete Doherty so that he can slip quietly from our lives and into some sort of human organ donor programme.

Today Iraq, Tomorrow Iran, Next Week…Saturn!

2006-03-09T21:51:00.000Z

Given the clear mineral path currently being followed by the US government in its attempts to secure the world's oil reserves (and thus maintain the strength of the US dollar, which oil is traded with), the possibility that Iran might not just roll over onto its belly for the great American Military Machine raises some interesting questions.

First of all, the Iranians threaten to bring the US 'pain' should economic sanctions be imposed. I don't know what the US exports to Iran, although I'm pretty sure a detailed search would reveal US companies selling components which could be used in weapons and nukes, just like Iraq – the Brits did it, too. But this 'pain' promised by the balanced and entirely not frothing at the mouth Iranian Prez is going to take the form of oil and the lack thereof for the US.

At that point (what with Iran having the lion's share of the world's oil reserves), what does the US do?

Well, the good news is here. Scientists have discovered water on Enceladus, one of Saturn's moons. According to online reports, jets of water were photographed exploding from the moon's surface like geysers on Earth. While the Internet is buzzing with the news and the possibility that there may be life on the planet, surely NASA should be looking for other minerals. Like oil.

Yes, I know that to create oil, you need the mashed up, compressed remains of our ancestors, and there aren't any out there that we've found so far. But trivial scientific facts like that shouldn't bother President Bush. After all, he's a Creationist who believes the Earth was created in six days. With all that oil.

His faith should surely dictate that oil must exist on other planets, put there by a benevolent (but somewhat mischievious) God. Let's petition NASA to send a team out there: it would take the heat off the Middle East for a while, and anything that sticks two fingers up at Nostradamus and his badly translated doomsday predictions is fine by me!

Hate To Say I Told You So, But...

2006-03-08T22:48:00.000Z

Last year, I posted a piece on obesity in the US. Today, I read a news story about a fatal water taxi sinking. Finally, someone in the US has made a connection between the two.

The water taxi, The Lady D, which sank in Baltimore, back in March 2004, cost the lives of five passengers. Now the National Transportation Safety Board have published a report which effectively says the sinking was partly caused by rules that had not considered Americans' increasing weight.

Safety officials said passenger weight was decided on 1940s guidelines, which made the boat 317kg (700lbs) too heavy.

The Lady D should also not have been carrying 25 passengers, because the Coast Guard had tested it in the wrong category, the report said. It said the Coast Guard's, "regulatory stability test standards on which the Lady D's passenger allowance was based use an inaccurate average passenger weight".

The Coast Guard assumed the average passenger weight was 140lbs - based on 1942 estimates - whereas the average weight was actually 168lbs.

The Coast Guard has since implemented more thorough stability tests. However, it is still assessing how to change the passenger weight regulations, sparking concern from safety officials it is not moving quickly enough. The report called for sea masters to have "a simple and ready means such as a mark on the hull to determine whether their vessels are overloaded and potentially unsafe".

(Source: BBC News)

Let me get this straight. The National Transportation Safety Board are telling the freakin' sea masters (that'll be the Cap'n to you and me) that he ought to have a little chalk line on his hull somewhere so he knows if he's too low in the water? Er... now forgive me if my logic is more advanced that yours, but um, if the mark's on the hull and the boat sinks lower... how will you see the mark?

D'oh!

Here's my suggestion, how about rigging up a simple electronic probe on the hull which sounds when it sinks below a certain depth. I believe anglers use them on floats even as I type. Rocket science it is not...

But check out the obesity story. According to projections, 73% of US adults could be overweight or obese by 2008. And it won't just be boats capsizing. It'll be elevators falling and escalators collapsing, as the Lady D story illustrates.

The Silent Conspiracy

2006-03-07T23:04:00.000Z

As computers increase in speed and performance, and even Windows looks like it might have a new version due out before the Sun goes supernova, spare a thought for the real losers in this technological marathon.

Spare a thought for the people who make liquid paper. Oh, sure, Mike Nesmith's mum is alleged to have made a bundle of money out of liquid paper in the old days, but when was the last time you saw someone use any? And I'm not talking about just sniffing the stuff, either.

Share prices must have been going up and down like a yo-yo over the last 10 years. Those huge power outages in Canada and New York a few years ago... do you really still think that they were just down to inept engineering and maintenance? Do you? Think again. Ask yourself if they could just have been organised by highly trained liquid paper workers in an attempt to bring back the paper office instead of the paperless one.

It's all falling into place now, isn't it?

And yes, this was apropos nothing. I just wanted to cheer myself up a bit. Sorry for lightening the mood...

"Torture you? That's good idea…"

2006-03-07T22:51:00.000Z

Alberto's in the house! Yes! Alberto 'Speedy' Gonzales, scourge of liberals, democrats, the middle-class, the poor, the... hell, virtually everyone in the USA, is in the UK.

Alberto has been vehemently denying that any sort of 'torture' takes place at Gitmo. Yeah, right.

Using the sort of White House logic that is, in reality, far advanced of our own, mere Earth-bound logic, Gonzales told the BBC:

"There is a disagreement about what constitutes cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment. The notion that you can't embarrass or insult someone, I would question if that makes sense today," he said.

Now, I have a friend who serves on detachment with the SAS. He and I have spoken at length about 'acceptable interrogation techniques', such as white noise, balancing, sensory deprivation... all of which are classed as 'soft' torture, but are still borderline inhumane. But these techniques are usually applied to enemies captured on the field of war, not men who haven't been charged with any crime and yet locked up beyond the reach of most lawyers and international laws.

Good old Alberto. Your definition of humanity and what will actually win against terrorism is clearly different to mine.

Yes, terror suspects need to be questioned, but locking hundreds of them up and throwing the key away simply turns them into living martyrs for a new generation of terrorists. Am I the only one who 'gets' it? Seriously. Am I alone here?!

Bravery and Death

2006-03-07T22:32:00.000Z

I've already deleted the start of this post several times, because nothing I can come up with seems fitting. So I'll try again.

When Christopher Reeve was paralysed, I think most people felt serious sympathy for the actor most of us had grown up with calling 'Superman'. Then when he tried to have stem cell research approved in the US, and made significant progress to the point where, realistically, it could provide a 'cure' for paralysis, I think even more people took notice.

Here we had a man who wouldn't quit. He embodied the best attributes American's hold true. But he wanted to use stem cells, and that's all middle America heard when the religious Right started banging their drums.

No matter, Mr Reeve died in 2004, never having realised his dream. A dream, I might add, that is significantly larger and more worthy than anything most of us useless bags of blood can come up with. And just so much better than virtually anything the religious Right have come up with that their God should simply wipe them off the planet for being the self-serving, duplicitous liars they so obviously are.

And now the latest tragedy. Dana Reeve, Christopher Reeve's widow, passed away from lung cancer today, aged 44. Dana Reeve didn't smoke, she just kept going with her husband's legacy and tried to keep the momentum going in the Christopher Reeve Foundation.

Thankfully, Reeve wasn't alive when his wife was diagnosed with cancer last August.

If you want to really encapsulate the concept of tragedy, I suggest you look at this family. They kept going, no matter what. And how many of us can claim to even try? How many of us are more interested in getting to work on time, stiffing the other guy over a parking space, crapping around in our mediocre, wasted little lives, chasing money and back-biting, moaning and grasping our way to the grave?

Truly, it's a shitty little world. I hope someone out there can change it for the better, without putting their own ambition, gain or ego first.

Buddy, Can You Spare a Dime?

2006-03-07T14:19:00.000Z

From BBC News:

US Government Near to Debt Limit

US Treasury Secretary John Snow has told Congress to raise the government's credit limit in order to avoid having some of its operations shut down. The government needs Congressional authority to borrow and the total accumulated debt is now close to its limit of $8.2 trillion (£4.7 trillion).

If the limit is not increased, the government could find it difficult to pay debts or borrow money. Congress is expected to agree to an extension, averting any debt crisis.

In a letter to Congress, Mr Snow said he has already taken "prudent and legal actions" to avoid reaching the debt limit.

These include tapping the civil service pension funds and using the $15bn in the Exchange Stabilisation Fund, a reserve held for smoothing out volatile movements in the value of the dollar in currency markets.

But the Treasury has warned that such measures will only postpone the credit deadline until mid-March, when an extension will be needed.

This is the fourth time George W Bush's administration has asked Congress to raise the government debt limit.

His administration has produced a series of massive deficits, brought on by the post dot-com recession, tax cuts, the September 11 attacks and wars and reconstruction in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The US government has never defaulted on its debts, and to do so would destroy its credit rating and raise the cost of any future borrowing.

Bush and the Milk of Human Kindness

2006-03-07T13:49:00.000Z

Just when you thought hey, surely George Bush can't sink any lower in my estimation, he pulls another turd rabbit out of the hat.

To whit:

Defining ‘Unnecessary’: Bush Cuts Funding For Disabled Children

Bush has continually called for cuts in “unnecessary spending.” From his 2006 State of the Union address:

Every year of my presidency, we’ve reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending. This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities.

What kind of spending is unnecessary? In Bush’s view, programs that assist disabled children. The President’s budget will eliminate Medicaid reimbursements for schoolchildren with disabilities, denying them “access to medical services they need to fully participate in school and learn to their greatest abilities.” It cuts funding for medical equipment on buses, transportation to medical appointments, and the administrative costs of identifying children with special medical and learning needs.

If schools are no longer able to seek reimbursement for these services, costs will shift to districts and states already grappling with fiscal constraints. But those who will be most affected are the children and students with disabilities who have already been hurt by January’s drastic Medicaid cuts.

In February, Bush promised to “continue to work to remove barriers that still confront Americans with disabilities and their families.” His budget, however, creates new barriers for disabled children.

- Elena Rocha and Meredith King

(Source: Think Progress)

George W. Bush is supposed to be a caring Christian, yet time and time again he seems to eschew the very values he purports to hold sacred. Is that what being a Christian is all about? Not helping others and not turning the other cheek? As the President, he should be actively helping the world's "meek", not continually dumping on them.

George W. Bush 2006 Tour

2006-03-06T21:59:00.000Z

Well, I suppose it makes sense in some sick, ironic way.

Fresh off the plane from his trips to India and Pakistan (two of the USA's greatest allies in the war on terror, apparently), Gormless George is heading for a real Third World nation on Wednesday... Louisiana. Look, the bottom line here is that the stinking wave of crap left by Katrina still hasn't been cleared out of the poor parts of New Orleans (and for 'poor' please substitute the word 'black') and Louisiana, no matter what you might like to believe. And again, no matter what you might like to believe, there are people in India and Pakistan better off than some survivors of Katrina. Don't blame me: you guys voted for him.

And I'm sure this has nothing to do with damage limitation over those leaked tapes which clearly show him being told in detail just how bad the hurricane was going to be, or the catastrophe that would befall N.O. if the levees broke. No, it's just amazing timing. A real coincidence. Seriously.

And as for Bush visiting India and Pakistan... well, those trips went down really well with the locals. That's the locals you didn't get to see in those carefully orchestrated TV shots. Just like when he visits the UK, or we have some of our top friends over from the Chinese government. Riiiiiiiight.

I bet after Louisiana on Wednesday, Bush will need to be shown a Stars & Stripes before he believes he's even back in America. Assuming he even cares.

Breaking Terror News: More UK Arrests

2006-03-06T21:39:00.000Z

(Despite this happening on Friday, we only learn of it today, Monday)

Four men are being questioned on suspicion of committing terror offences after a police raid in West Yorkshire. Metropolitan Police anti-terror officers arrested the men following the operation at University of Bradford halls of residence on Friday.

A police spokeswoman said three of the men - two aged 18 and one aged 19 - are being held in London. The fourth, aged 19, is being held in West Yorkshire. The arrests were not in connection with last July's London bombings, she said. West Yorkshire Police assisted in the raid, which took place at 2300 GMT.

The Scotland Yard spokeswoman said the four were arrested on suspicion of the commission, preparation or instigation of acts of terrorism under the Terrorism Act 2000.

A university spokesman said they were all thought to be students, but did not disclose their nationalities.
(Source: BBC News)

Hmm. So the arrests occur in Yorkshire and were carried out by the London Metropolitan Police with West Yorkshire Police 'assisting'? Hmm. If there's no link there between last year's bombers, then we must be looking at a new group of zealoty-nutters. Oh, how very inevitable.

South Dakota, Home of the Dark Ages

2006-03-06T21:11:00.000Z

I didn't want to write about this story until it actually happened. I suppose partly because I really didn't believe that it would. Well, how wrong was I?

There I was, quietly riding my horse along a beach, with a good lookin' native chick on the back, when suddenly I round a headland and there it is, poking out of the sand.

Cue much wailing about you bastards finally doing it.

No, no, I'm not talking about Charlton Heston going ape. I'm talking about South Dakota firing itself into the Dark Ages with a law change that surely cannot reflect the mores and beliefs of the great American public. Please, tell me it isn't so. If it is, then you might as well go ahead and press the button now.

Yes, South Dakota has made most abortions illegal. Exceptions will be made "if a woman's life is at risk, but not in cases of rape or incest" the BBC reported.

The move is intended to force the US Supreme Court's hand, and force it to re-consider the current law. South Dakota supporters (easily identifiable by the froth on their lips and crazed, staring eyes) want to trigger a fight over the 1973 Roe-Vs-Wade ruling, which established that the courts have no power when it came to abortion.

Doctors can now look forward to five years in prison for performing an abortion in South Dakota.

Well done, America. You should be proud of yourself. Not only have you moved your country back about 30 years, you're also closer to Islam than you might imagine. Yes, the Koran/Quran also prohibits abortion. Ah, see? You have more in common than you thought.

At this rate, we can look forward to Fox broadcasting a good, old fashioned public stoning within a few months. USA! USA! USA!

Tony Blair, God's personal friend

2006-03-04T19:38:00.000Z

Apparently, the list of fatalities and casualities caused by the invasion of Iraq and subsequent sectarian violence isn't enough to humble Tony Blair. Nor is it reason enough for him to step down from office.

Not Tony.

It's quite extraordinary, really. In the past, politicians would be judged by the electorate; the voters who put them into power. Tony Blair, of course, has consistently ignored the wishes of the voters and his government has ridden roughshod over civil liberties in the wake of the July bombings in London. Using fear to keep the population in check is nothing new, but to use an American-esque tactic to avoid being judged by your peers is.

In an interview to be screened on British TV tonight, Tony Blair tells the British public that ultimately, God is his judge, not the voting public. Talking of his decision to take Britain into an illegal war based on a lie (and please don't tell me you still believe the weapons of mass destruction hokey), Tony said:

"The only way you can take a decision like that is to try to do the right thing according to your conscience."

He said: "I think if you have faith about these things, then you realise that that judgement is made by other people... and if you believe in God, it's made by God as well."

When asked if he had prayed to God on the matter, he replied: "I don't want to go into that... you struggle with your own conscience about it... in the end, you do what you think is the right thing."

How arrogant is that? How nice must it be to turn around and effectively tell your critics, "Hey, f*ck you! I'm only accountable to God." Well I hope that God really does exist, because I'm sure there's a special corner of Hell reserved for people like Tony Blair.

Fox News: Iraq Civil War “Made Up By The Media?”

2006-03-02T21:33:00.000Z

Just when you think Fox News can't possibly stoop any lower to kiss the sweet buttocks of the White House without needing lip balm, here they go again. It seems quite incredible that the TV company responsible for satire like The Simpsons can also produce visual dysentery quite like Fox News. "Fair and balanced"? Oh yeah, and Hitler liked dogs, apparently.

From Think Progress:

Fox News continues its crackerjack analysis of sectarian strife in Iraq. Previously, it explored whether “an all-out civil war in Iraq” could be “a good thing.”

Now they have an new theory: (See image).

(Source: http://thinkprogress.org/2006/03/01/fox-media-civil-war/)

Now, if I may interject here, before the pressure build-up inside my skull causes a seizure of some kind… If Fox, whose politics are slightly to the right of Satan are suggesting that the civil unrest in Iraq is down to the 'media', just who in the media are they blaming? Is there a cable channel called 'Snivelling Lefties Against The Whole of America'? I expect it was them. Either that, or there are two warring factions in the Anne Coulter Fan Club that we don't know about.

Certainly wouldn't want to place any sort of blame against the US or UK governments. Or the fact that even the stupidest, dumbest, mouth-breathing hillbilly could've told Bush that the removal of an evil dictator in a tribal country split apart by a religious difference would cause catastrophic loss of life. Particularly since said dictator had been the only thing stopping civil war for two decades. Using weapons sold to him by the US and UK.

Nope. You really wouldn't want to say that.

Appropriate Photoshop Job

2006-03-02T21:18:00.000Z

Someone obviously did this when the Katrina row was in full effect. I only just found it, but it still seems appropriate somehow. And besides, the line about driving the Chevy to the levee made me laugh…

George W. Bush is a Big, Smelly Liar!

2006-03-02T20:54:00.000Z

The problem with the truth is that, sooner or later, it will bite you square on the ass. It's not a new phenomena for 'Honest' George, nor should it come as a surprise to anyone outside the loyal, blind lickspittle White House Press Corps and the Right win US media (step forward and wave, Fox News!).

The release of a video conference between Honest George and FEMA officials shot on August 28th, 2005, at the Bush ranch merely proves what we knew all along: George W. Bush is an incompetent liar who should be run out of Washington on a rail.

In the meeting, held on the eve of Hurricane Katrina's devestating vacation in New Orleans, Bush is warned that the storm could breach the city's hurricane defences and that there was significant risk to evacuees in the Superdome.

The fact that Bush then stated on the record four days later that: "I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees" somewhat beggars belief. Admittedly, during the video conference, Bush doesn't ask a single question, so it might simply be that his mind was occupied with something else. Perhaps he was having a Homer Simpson moment: you know, when Marge asks him a question and we see inside his head that he's thinking about dancing crows or a monkey ballet. Yes, that could well be it.

So at no point does he say, "Hang on. You folks are tellin' me that the whole city could be under that wet, liquidy stuff? Like folks could have a hard time driving to the country club that day?" At no point does he say, "So the folks in the Superdome, they could all die, could they? Well maybe we'd better fit some more poor black folk in there, or send Dick down there with his guns."

Even Michael Brown, our old FEMA buddy, warns Bush that the storm could be a 'very big one' during the video. Several sources have said that Bush 'looked concerned' during the video conference. No, Bush looked constipated, but it's easy to confuse the two. Go on, try for yourself in the mirror. See? Thought so.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, shown the footage for the first time at a press conference, told Reuters he was "shocked" by what it revealed.

"It surprises me that if there was that kind of awareness, why was the response so slow?" he asked. Because George W. was constipated, that's why. Jeez, can't the Prez 'work things out' without the whole world getting on his case?

Of course, what all this shows is the following:

1. George W. Bush and his administration lied through their teeth during and after the hurricane.

2. George W. Bush personally lied to the people of New Orleans, his voters and the world.

3. The US media, who had this tape in their possession since August 28th, sat on it for six months.

4. The US media is as corrupt and dishonest as the officials it acts as lackeys for.

Britain: Proud to be Shit Part IV

2006-03-02T14:24:00.001Z

I love this story! I love it! It's almost too funny to be true. And why did no-one query the size of the phone bills? Unbellievable! Mind you, I would like to think that the Iraqis who called the sex lines did so purely to run up the charges, and in no way enjoyed themselves in an unIslamic manner…

Phones stolen in Iraq used for sex chatlines

David Hencke, Westminster correspondent
Thursday March 2, 2006
The Guardian

It certainly was not part of Britain's plans to win the hearts and minds of the people of Iraq. But the Foreign Office has been apparently paying for an adult sex chatline in a Baghdad street for 17 months without knowing it.
The Foreign Office has had to tell MPs that an investigation into how a diplomat lost two satellite phones in Iraq has nothing to do with terrorism but more to do with a budding entrepreneur and a telephone porn network.

FO officials had already admitted that the lost phones had cost them £594,000 in unauthorised phone bills but it is now bracing itself for an extremely critical report from the Commons public accounts committee on how it came to pay phone bills, which at one stage hit £212,000 in one month, without asking questions.

Sir Michael Jay, permanent secretary at the FO, told MPs: "All the pattern of usage of these phones ... points to some kind of criminal activity ... It was almost as though they were taken and used as a kind of mobile phone booth at the end of the street where anybody could come along and use them.

"After that, they appear to have been used for a couple of scams based on what are known as personal numbers and premium numbers."

Sir Michael said the premium rate numbers were used for betting agencies or adult phone lines, and that one of the FO phones had been "on virtually full time with the person who is, as it were, making the call getting some benefit from it."

Sir Michael said initial inquiries had revealed a series of blunders. The phones were already activated when they were sent to Baghdad and they were not properly logged in - so no one realised at first that they had been stolen. None of the bills were initially challenged until people realised the phones had gone missing. The rules at all embassies have now been changed and no phone is sent abroad already activated for use.

Edward Leigh, chairman of the committee, told him: "In terms of this mobile phone being on permanently at the end of a street in Iraq, that gives a whole new meaning to winning hearts and minds in Iraq, but it is quite serious."

Austin Mitchell, Labour MP for Great Grimsby, whose phone had been swiped and used to dial a betting agency, asked if the FO had tried to get its money back.

Since the disclosure, Richard Bacon, Tory MP for Norfolk South, has made further inquiries: "It appears that they haven't been able to find the culprit or trace the phone. You would have thought having spent hundreds of millions of pounds setting up a sophisticated listening centre at GCHQ it would be very easy to trace a satellite phone and who was operating it in Iraq. But it doesn't appear anything was done. It just beggars belief that the FO kept paying the bills."

Sir Michael has promised to try to get the money back. But so far the only thing FO staff appeared to have done is to try to ring the premium rate number. Sir Michael told MPs they did not get a reply.

(Source: www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,,1721387,00.html)

Land of the Free? Yeah, right!

2006-03-01T21:09:00.000Z

The American Freedom of Information Act has long been seen as an officially Good Thing outside the US. Not by governments, of course; that's just silly. How many governments want their populace to actually know what's going on? Exactly.

And now news is slowly leaching out of the US which suggests that the Freedom of Information Act isn't really worth the foolscap its written on. Not if your name is George W. Bush and you run the country.

Last December, an academic called Matthew Aid visited the US National Archives to re-examine some declassified documents he had copied several months earlier. It was then that Aid learned that those same documents had been removed from the public shelves and reclassified!

On further investigation, Aid found that, in the last five years as part of program that is itself secret, US Military and Military Intelligence have reclassified an incredible 9,500 documents, consisting of over 55,000 pages, some dating back as far as WWII. According to Aid's research, this secret project – which was never authorised or financially supported by US Congress – is due to continue to March 2007 at the earliest.

Why is this happening? To a certain extent, it smacks of revised history. A number of the documents seem to contain plain embarrassing cock-ups by the US. One reveals that, in the fall of 1950, the CIA predicted the Chinese would not intervene in the Korean War; 12 days later, they did. (Classifying, much less reclassifying documents for this purpose, if that was in fact the reason, is not just stupid but illegal. Federal law states: "No information … shall be classified in order to … prevent embarrassment of a person, organization, or agency.")

In 1995, President Bill Clinton signed Executive Order 12958, stating that all classified documents should be made public after 25 years, except for those that fall under certain categories. It isn't clear whether this campaign for control is being directed by the Bush administration or even to what extent political appointees are aware of it. It is clear, though, that the security apparatchiks—those who have always resisted the loosening of controls—intensified their efforts after Clinton left the White House, on the accurate premise that George W. Bush and his entourage would, at the very least, not mind.

With very few exceptions, we are not talking here about secrets that have anything to do with "national security" as anyone might reasonably define the term. In many cases, we are talking about documents that were publicly released—and have since been widely disseminated—after careful review by high-ranking military officers and security personnel.

On Feb. 17, Matthew Aid and the heads of four historians' groups wrote to William J. Leonard, director of the National Archive's Information Security Oversight Office, asking him to conduct an audit of the reclassified documents. Such an audit is under way. This week, Leonard told Scott Shane of the New York Times that none of the documents he'd examined so far should be secret.

But the climate has been changing for a while now. In 1998, around the time this campaign got under way, the CIA refused to declassify documents about covert programs dating back to the 1960s. The State Department's advisory committee complained, in a letter to then-Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, that without these documents, the official record of U.S. foreign policy was in danger of becoming "an official lie." The reclassification of documents is an escalation of this broader campaign not merely to halt but to roll back freedom of information—to regain control of the past and all that goes with it.

(Sources: www.nytimes.com and www.slate.com/id/2136480)